What Do You Mean Wednesday, December 30, 201511:14 AM / top
I used to blog everyday, now its once a year? I guess its not that easy being so busy. But its better for me to keep being busy than just drowning in the thing I call life.
Lets see.. I got a different job, at Best Buy. Its okay I guess, its my first boxing day here, despite the fact that I spent 3 boxing days at Forever 21 and one at Silver City. This one is by far the worst experience. But not boxing day, its what comes after; returns week. Only at Best Buy I guess. I've had bitches roll their eyes at me when I give them the only information that I have, I've had old white men point their fingers and yell at me until I cry (btw I found out that thats a form of assault so I can actually sue him.. if i knew at the time), I've had old indian men trying to get some damn discounts from me (but like whats new). Best buy isn't all that its cracked up to be. I get way too much responsibility then I can handle, and I'm not getting paid enough to do it. I'm way better than my superiors at most things, and some people actually recognize it. I'm flattered but not, because this will not be my life.
I've decided to go into Culinary. I've always had a passion for baking, but I want to make full on gourmet meals for my family. Deep down inside it feels like I'm giving up, to be totally honest with you. I know I have potential, but I just don't LOVE it. I have a passion for food, as fat as it sounds, I know that I'll be okay for the rest of my life doing this. Going forward, I'm not going to stop at the end of culinary school, I'm going to trades, where I can teach it. I know my passion came when I really wanted to get into Cooking for the rotation in grade 7. I loved all the recipes my cooking teacher gave us, I still use some today (10 years later). I honestly want to go in to teaching, because I've been blessed to be taught by teachers who truly love to teach. The only I want to mention is my Choir/Vocal Jazz Teacher, she makes me see how rewarding it is to have kids who truly succeed. Though I am the first of her many students to feel this way as well. What makes me feel so successful is that she lets me know that my graduating year (2011), was her best year. I have never felt so blessed to hear that coming from her. I remember the girls in my section, I was an alto, the year after I left, My teacher told me that they were talking about me and said how much they want to be like me. The invigorating feeling I felt, I wanted to cry right then and there. I was actually a good influence to someone. Have I ever spoken about my aunt? she's the best, she wants her little girl to grow up just like me. My parents never said that, they're just too scared that I'll fuck up my life just like my older sister.
I wish my sister didn't have to do this. She tried to kill herself. But now that I think about it I don't think she was trying to, she just wants attention. Honestly, I can't blame her, because she's had a rough life. Compared to me, my life was a breeze. This is why my anxiety is so high. I know that I've had better, but I FEEL like its been a lot worse. My anxiety and depression have been haunting me for a while now. Its probably why I do good in somethings, because IM SCARED to screw up.
If you've been reading for the years I've been blogging, I have this disorder where theres too much androgens in my body and it caused me not to have my period for a whole year. I thought it was stress, but its just my body I guess. I've been on birth control, since then, probably about 4 years now. I know that birth control has its cons, it increases my depression. so its kind of like drinking poison, honestly. I've been on anti-anxiety medication, especially for last year, when christmas was a dud (its too hard to talk about right now), but the medication seemed to work, but I couldn't drink and have fun with my friends, so I stopped. I don't know if that was the right idea, because I'm back to square one. How do I know? I'm talking in a blog instead of to a person.
I guess I'm tired of keeping it in and people giving me their opinions that I don't want. I just want to talk the night away and have someone on my side. Its hard to have someone on your side when they don't want to be. I guess thats why I haven't spoken to my sister in a while. I've been on her side for so long, I've rooted for her, but all she does is disappoint me. I just want to make sure that her kids are okay, thats why my nephew has been staying with us and going to school here, while she's out and making sure that he has a home to go to. Honestly it is so hard to raise a child who's been through that he's been through. He would talk sometimes about the house that his mom used to leave him in. How that they would just put a movie on while they starve. Sometimes its hard to even think about because he's only 7, and I know he has a tendency of being a good liar. But it just crushes your heart in to millions of tiny pieces. He will always take a piece of me with him. He's also my god son. In this house I'm a disciplinary act. He's scared of me, because everyone makes him scared of me. I love him to bits, but it kills me that he's even here, cause its so bad over there.
I went to a trip to see my cousins with my boyfriend, my sister was there and so was her kids. I never saw her once. And she blamed me for not seeing her. Which obviously killed me. Its not my fault I go on a vacation and then the person who lives there doesn't wait for me. I'm over this story already, my anxiety is way up.
Honestly, i've become a closet pothead. Every time I have the chance I push to smoke some. I've never bought it on my own, always just smoked other peoples. I actually just bought my first pipe. I don't know if I have a good reason to do it, It just feels good. My anxiety has been so high and when I can't feel my anxiety, I'm normal. I've always been anxious. My sister told me I've been anxious since I was a child, I don't know, or I don't remember, I just know when it kicked in. I don't want to take anxiety medication anymore. I'll just smoke until the fires out.
I guess I won't talk about anything else.. I still have plenty to say, but I'll see if I can figure it out before I talk shit.
Thanks, for always being here for me, whoever you are.
Its been real.
Until next time.
" If there is ever a tomorrow when we are not together
there is something you must always remember;
you are braver than you believe,stronger than you seem
and smarter than you think, but most important of all, even if we are apart, I’ll always be with you."