my family is seriously fucked up. and it sucks. there's always something wrong. like today, my sister was supposed to go out with her friends and I order food for me and my brother AND SHE STARTS EATING IT. like I'm fucking starving here and there's no guarantee that I'm gonna eat after this. like fuck off, and she's on her period so she's a bitch. I just wanna tell her that her boyfriend is the biggest player on earth and he's just gonna fuck her and leave. but I don't. I just give her my bitch face and she just stares at me.
my mom. she's a good mom. but sometimes she makes plans without telling anyone and expects me to be the one who asks people to come or if we can go there. i fucking hate it. like why do i have to be embarrassed by fricken asking when you've been fucking telling everyone already. go invest some energy into doing instead of planning. she is a good mom, trust me. but sometimes she forgets about her kids. that also sucks. she goes to pick up my dad from work and is gone for an hour. that means they went out to eat. she comes home and then she eats the left over food that I ordered.
I had one meal today. and it wasn't even a lot. I am not the person to eat lots during one meal. I eat a little bit but more frequently. not today. I went to go eat my left overs. nothing. I check the kitchen. nothing. ever since my mom got into baking cakes she always JUST bakes cakes and not actual meals anymore. like just cause her kids are getting old doesn't mean she has to forget to cook for us.
I'm fucking starving right now. there's legit nothing to eat. and I'm to weak to fucking cook. I'm so irritated right now.
I have so much shit to worry about. ugh seriously I wish that I didn't have this anxiety problem. it's bringing everyone down with me. I guess that's why I haven't held on to many friends cause I'm just afraid to let anyone into the depths of my mind. it sucks to feel this lonely. when everyone around you just seems so much more happier than you.
I have a destructive mind. I'm trying to put a muffle or a pause. I don't know how to stop it. that's why I get like this. would the world be better off without me? no one has told me otherwise.
I wish I wasn't like this. I swear there are so many things I was to talk to people about. there are people who brighten my day and I forget to tell them. I'm sorry.
there's so many things wrong with me physically also. sometimes my sides hurt, sometimes I wake up and my jaw feels like its gonna fall off. my back hurts constantly. sometimes it's a minor hum and sometimes it feels like I just got stabbed in her back with a car. my left knee is fucked up and my right ankle always seems to hurt. I can't walk for too long cause my feet will start to swell. and in the mornings my throat hurts but it goes away as the day progresses.
it just sucks. I miss my older sister. she's not full blood. but she's my sister. I miss her, I miss my nephew, my niece. I miss my aunt, my cousins; Santa, rj, ate Edlynne. I miss when we would all be together and just hang out every week. I miss not caring. I miss being loved.
it's not that I'm not loved. my boyfriend loves me. but sometimes I'm just too much and I know he's had enough of me. but I can't stop. my mind just tells me to "fight to the death" whether I'm wrong or right. I always want to stand by what I believe in. but he is almost as stubborn as I am. he has to be right. no matter how much I'm crying, how much I'm sobbing or how little I can breathe, he is still going to get his way. it sucks to feel like you're dying and the only one that can save you is just looking at you or just listening.
I know I'm not worth it. but I want to be happy. I want happiness.
it sucks cause I hate going on vacation with my family. we constantly argue. we never get sleep. and we don't get out own beds or our own ways. If I'm with my cousins or my older sister I would be fine. I would constantly be with them. bit my mom just won't let us. it's so stupid when I asked to extend another week they told me that I wasn't allowed. "we come together, we go back together" BUT I WAS 18, NOW IM 20" we barely fucking have the money for mom to cool every day so we decide to go on a fucking vacation instead. LIKE I WOULD PICK FOOD OVER THIS SHIT ANYWAYS. I'd rather fucking live instead of dying inside from all the anger inside.
I also don't want to leave because my mom told me the second week of August, I fucking book it off, she fucking says "oh we're going the second week of July cause of your dad" WE'LL WAS IT MY FUCKING FAULT HE TOOK A 1000$ CLASS + AIRFAIR +HOTEL JUST TO FIX PHONES AND HE'S NOT DOING SHIT WITH IT?! fuck. he's the reason why we can't go to Disney land. and my boyfriend never let's me forget that I've never been there. it's fucking annoying cause I WANTED TO GO. NOW I FUCKING CAN'T.
I swear, I cannot wait until I'm old enough to do what I fucking want. but I don't know when that would be BECAUSE IM ALREADY 20 AND LOOK WHERE I AM.
I've never been this angry where everything just comes out.
I guess it's been a rough week, for sure.
Saturday: mani/pedi, monsters u and then ruined dinner
Sunday: bf is out the day before my birthday and doesn't invite me
Monday: my actual birthday, the actual fight between me and my bf
Tuesday: my bf works all day, I go to my cousins in the evening and I barely talk to him. I cry at night cause of my anxiety
Wednesday: I work all day i wanted to have my make-up dinner today, but my bf said no and it obviously broke my heart. so i speak to my bf at night, freak out because I haven't got accepted to school yet. then my dumb ass sister pushes my mail underneath my fucking door cause she's too stupid to give it to me when I get home.
Thursday: I start packing and realizing my bf won't be in walking distance of me and I get sad. then I start freaking out over classes.
Friday (today): I get worried about school. I plan it out. I'm fine. my bf is tired from work, the first thing after work he fucking goes to the mall. I get ready to talk to him, it's 1:15 the next day and I'm a dumb ass because IM WAITING FOR HIS CALL. like why do I do this to myself? I know I don't deserve happiness but how about some love?
ugh..