I spent literally my whole day with my bf yesterday. The day was only for me to see Kiara, his new puppy, and thats all basically what it was. He keeps going on and on about how once a week is enough. I wonder if he feels the same pain I feel when he's away from me.
I when to his house at 9AM. I spent time with his puppy, we went to drop off his aunt to school. Then we went to get his new glasses. He has had the same glasses ever since I met him about five years ago. Its just weird that he looks different. Its like he's not the same anymore. Its weird. I have a bad anxiety towards change for about 10 years. little changes affect me in drastic ways, and I hate what it does. I want to just curl up in a ball, and wait for the cycle of change to dissipate.
anyways after we got his glasses we got to his house, ate lunch and then we hung out for a bit. I love taking naps at his house, especially when he's next to me. We didn't take a nap this time, we just hung out with his dog while lying on the couch. It was so nice, a small happy family. he decided to get ready to pick up his aunt. I tried to nap while he was getting ready but Kiara was being a bad girl. I couldn't take it anymore so I put up a barrier so she wouldn't get to me.
we went to pick up his aunt, and waited to get picked up by his family. some guy asked for money from us, but we were broke. His family got us and his sister and mom were getting manicures. My bf and I walked to the mall. When I go to the mall I always have a purpose. Its either I go to work or I need to buy something. My bf is totally different, he doesn't need a purpose, he has a joy of window shopping. I hate window shopping because it reminds me of how much money I dont have. we walked by an ice cream place and we were legit poor, but I wanted some, he agreed to use his credit card, but the flavours sucked so I didn't want any and asked to go to the food court to check out what I wanted and I didn't want anything. My bf does this stupid thing where he keeps changing his mind and can never find an answer. He has cousins who live outside of the city and they were inviting family over to hang out. He wasn't sure if he wanted me to come or to just drop me off home. What got me really angry was the fact that he was willing to just leave me at home to my bordom while he goes to have fun with his family. I wanted him to be comfortable with me and his extended family. His reasoning was super indecisive it went from "we'll just drop you home" "we'll actually just bring you" "actually.. we'll drop you home" "you're coming" LIKE SERIOUSLY. I don't understand why it was such a hard decision.
I ended up going. We went to this italian restaurant to order food to bring over to their house. His family knew the owners and it was weird cause they were so buddy-buddy with them, and my bf didn't even introduce me. I hate feeling awkward, and I obviously did. We were there for a little bit over half an hour and then we finally got to his cousins house.
It was his Uncle's "Dream House" and I could understand why. It was beautiful. everything about it was beautiful. There weren't a lot of people there. I said hi to everyone who was willing to make eye contact with me. There are some who are still resentful towards me. but whatever. The aunt who's house we were at, is my favorite of all of them. She shows how much she likes me and thats what I'm used to. I'm not used to people not liking me or judging me behind my back. ANYWAYS LETS NOT BE ANGRY RIGHT NOW.
At the house there were 3 puppies, Kiara (my bf's puppy), Nala (his cousin's dog), and Chiko (his other cousin's dog), they were all siblings and I love watching them play together. we put them on the deck and put clothes on them. my bf's younger cousin was going to hold one of the puppies and he dropped them some how and Chiko hit the deck super hard and hurt his paw and was crying and didn't move. What was scary about this was that his cousin kept saying "I wanna kill myself, I'm such an idiot" and he started crying. I felt so bad. Everyone knew it was an accident but he was so hard on himself. I felt bad for him, when he cried. Then we found out he has and anxiety problem. I guess because he's young he doesn't know how to hold that stuff in. Like I honestly get it. I understand how much remorse he felt. I never went to that extreme to saying it out loud once it happens, but honestly, I do think like that. I just wanna be his friend. I wanna tell him it's okay, and he'll get through it. I hope I'll be around to see him grow up and help him if he ever needs it.
after we finished eating all the cousins decided to play Just Dance 4 on the wii, I obviously didn't play cause I'm not a dancer. I love watching my bf dance. Theres just something about it, how he looks so happy. I love it when my bf is happy.
They all got sweaty and gross, so they decided to take a break and make avocado milkshakes. I started cleaning up because I always need it to be clean before I start to do anything in the kitchen. I said "I'm sorry I'm getting crazy, I need to clean" his aunt was laughing at me and said "are you sure it's not arjel who's making you crazy" and I said "crazy for him" and, you know those sounds on TV when something cute happens and you can hear the studio audience say "awwwwwwww" THATS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED, but its not the studio audience, it was everyone in the room. It was really funny, and I felt embarrassed cause I actually asked myself "did I really say that out loud to his family?" but I'm glad I did. After being together for so long, I shouldn't be shy to his family about how much I love him.
the night went on with looking at old pictures, playing more Wii, and then we had to leave. It made me sad, I actually did want to stay. I love seeing my bf happy, even though I know I'm not the only one who makes him happy, I'm glad that he has others for it.
The ride home was nice. I was holding Kiara and petting her because she was warm and I wanted warmth cause I was super cold. I was sleeping on my bf's shoulder. I remember him pushing my head up once. I think it was because I started to look down or something, but he fixed my head's position. I vaguely remember him leaning his head on my head, I don't know if it was to keep it in place or cause he fell asleep. But I did fall asleep. I woke up to bright lights of the city and Kiara constantly moving in my lap. My boyfriend was going to walk me to the door, but my sister came back from her grad so her and my mom were outside. He just walked me out of the car.
It's clear that I love my boyfriend and his family. I hope one day I can win all their hearts. I know my boyfriend is loved by all my family. I hope he knows that too. I also hope he knows how much I love him, because I love him so much.
I love hearing my boyfriend sleep. it's the only time when he's not worrying about anything. His worrying is different then my worrying. He worries about so many things at once and it overwhelms him. I get so hung up on what I worry about that it usually causes an anxiety attack.
I love the sound of his breathing, it soothes me knowing that he's resting from his tiresome day taking care of everyone around him. he has so much pain and I just want to take it all away.
I love that he's got his life so ready, and he KNOWS that we're going to end up together. He knows that after we finish school he's going to move in and we can finally have the life we've been yearning for.
he deserves the best. the absolute best. and I obviously know that I'm not the best. but I know I can love him with every molecule in my body. I know that he can never reciprocate the amount of love that I feel, because its just so much.
I dream about the day where there are no more goodbyes and only goodnight.
I love him.
woah, its been a while hasn't it? I don't know where to start.
I've applied to a new school because the things I want to pursue are not in my current school. I'm freaking out because I havent been accepted yet and what if I don't get to go to that school? what am I supposed to do? the thought of it makes me stomach turn.
My creditcard is getting its workout. Literally. I just finished paying off what I had left from christmas, then 2 days later I was back in debt. Everything is just so confusing.
I constantly keep my mind off the fact that I have PCOS. I hate thinking about it. When I do, it tears me apart. I hate feeling broken. I can't tell my parents about it. they have enough to worry about.
I just hate being a burden to people in my life. Going to people only because I need them.
my mind is literally everywhere. I'll blog about one thing at a time, better to let things out here then keep it in. i'll keep in touch, and you can count on it.