Day 7, Kiss Me Thru The Phone.
Sunday, July 31, 2011 10:45 PM /
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... see you when I get home."
my sadness is taking over now. He loves me, I know he does. Why does it hurt so much on our 9 months that you're not here. and you didn't even bother to say it first. Honestly, I'm mad at myself for feeling like this because I know I shouldn't. A lot of people say "the little things count" they do, but that cant always be what you look for. The big things are right in front of you. Lets thing about the "big" things about mine and my boyfriend's relationship. we're still together. obviously. we love each other. trust is an issue, but we're still working through it, that's what a relationship is supposed to do. Help two people to grow with each other. I will love him until my very last breath, you have no idea. I feel better no. thank you internet for being here for me. <3
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
Day 7, I decided.
12:37 PM /
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I woke up to my boyfriend's color flashing, light blue. He wished me a good morning. Every time he tells me what to do, It eventually happens. I love how he's thinking about me when hes a million miles away from me. <3 I realized as the days got closer to his return, it's been happy posts. I never really posted happy thoughts because this is my great escape from the world and the only place I can be myself without people thinking I'm too dramatic. That is totally fine, everything is coming together slowly. two weeks baby, one week down. another one to go. I'm half way there. I need to finish the scrapbook, and my harry potter marathon, and my avatar marathon w/ ria and gyan. marjo's gonna come over and play the wii we just recently had gotten. busy busy. I love my life, but part of it's missing. all in good time it shall come back . I miss you arjel hernandez. <3
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
Day 6, Lullaby.
Saturday, July 30, 2011 10:55 PM /
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I'm excited for him to come home. Thats in about a week. Our 9 months is on monday. it is currently july 30th right now. three more months until our first anni <3 we're strong we got this.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
Day 6, The Way You Are.
1:54 PM /
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that overwhelming feeling of happiness when I see his color flashing on my phone. I miss hearing his voice, but I won't let him see it. I will not be the weak one, when clearly I am. I don't know what I'm doing today, I feel so bored with my life. That is all. I usually have a lot to say, but its all said and done.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
day 5, getaway.
Friday, July 29, 2011 8:21 PM /
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I'm fine now. no more anger, no more sadness. He can be gone for a month for all I care. I'm totally fine w/ that. I guess its because he tweeted to the whole world "I miss @arjaaah :(" because if he really did miss me, he'd talk to me. thats exactly what he did. now he tweets non-stop and its kind of annoying. My mom just walked by and said that she missed him. I miss him too, I'm just tired of it hurting, so it doesnt.. well not as much, its a very miniscule feeling now. all at the back of my heart. I'm just working our scrapbook. it gives me something to do. It should keep making me miss him, it doesn't I just keep thinking of him and how much I love him and how he'd react to each page. :) no more tears and sobs. just all smiles from here. :)
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
Day 4, all or nothing.
Thursday, July 28, 2011 7:12 PM /
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this song isn't completely relevant to what I feel. It just somewhat relates to how I do. So he finally texts me daily, but its not enough for me to stop from missing him. I don't want to miss him so much.
His texts say he misses me, but I feel like it's not enough. My heart, just completely aches. I don't know if this is worth it. Every time I tell myself that, it makes me wonder. If I can last with all these "getaways" no contact. the only thing he can "getaway" from is me. I know I'm just being a negative nelly, but still. This depression needs to stop. I feel like its not even necessary to feel like this. I was feeling pretty good this morning, I have no idea why. It just sucks how a mood can change so fast.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
Day 3 Pt.2 , Breakdown.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011 10:42 PM /
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So he just texted me. I sent him a text from a few days ago talking about how I finally got my school ID. He said he was proud of me. For some reason, when I read that, sadness overwhelmed me. I just really miss him. I know he's going to go on and on about the water parks. he ended a text with "okay bye" I so I replied "I miss you. Thats all" I think thats why I don't want him to come back . I don't want to know how much fun he had without me. I try not to have without him, I try so hard not to. Because I don't want him to feel left out. Is that so wrong? He's having the time of his life without me. I want to have fun, but I don't know how. This just really sucks. I thought I was over it. I really thought I was. I thought I was over missing him so much that it hurts. idk. this really sucks now. ugh. I can't road trip with my family because of everything thats going on right now. Everyone is just full of depression. My parents and my brother don't have their passport yet, cause my dad keeps putting it off. My dad is the one that wants to go somewhere. but what do you really want? I don't want to road trip with this family because It's just gonna end up all sucky. I'm only going to go on road trips with my friends. I'm really sorry to anyone who reads this. This is my getaway, no matter what. No one knows I still blog about my life. It used to just be lovey-dovey stuff, now its just everything.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
Day 3, Rollin In The Deep
9:54 PM /
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nothing relevant about this song, its just been in my head for a few weeks.
day 4, its getting easier to be away from you. I don't know if thats a good thing or not. It's just like last year, I had no one to talk to during the summer except the bbs. I was busy everyday, so I had no time to think about heartache. It's harder right now, being so attached to someone and they leave and there's no sign of them.. I'm starting to get mad, at least its better then being sad. Clearly, he doesn't want to talk to me. which makes me feel like shit. Honestly. I don't know why I'm so mad that everything is pissing me off. I don't really know what I'm supposed to be feeling. I don't want to be sad anymore. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of wasting tears on someone who doesn't care about anything I say.
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets; Having a marathon for myself, just because I can. My sister needs to stop getting her boyfriend to come over. I don't like that kid, especially right now. Maybe its because I'm jealous. But I never did like him.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
Day 2 pt2, Everytime.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011 7:53 PM /
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Everytime you go away, my heart goes with you.
Everytime you go away, my heart's torn in two.
Is there something I can say?
Won't you change the plan to make?
'Cuz my heart can't stand the pain.
they say real pain only lasts 12 minutes, the rest is just self-inflicted. But what if, you're trying to forget about it and then think about it again? does the pain just keep adding on and on? I feel like it is. I need to get out, but there's no one to hang out with. Everyone is busy with their own lives, I've only decided to hang out with a few people this summer, obviously arjel, gyan and rowena and the sometimes marjo. ria and marjo are allergic to my cats, so its hard to ask if they want to come over. Gyan is at conference for yfc, and obviously arjel is gone and clearly, arjel's departure has been affecting me the most. three days, without any contact when I clearly asked for some. maybe it's a test? well, I don't like it. he wants to "get away" now im thinking that when he said that he was talking about me. I hate this test, but really, we're not supposed to. maybe he wants me not to need him so much? but this is his fault, I've been independent until we started dating. he told me to trust him, and that's all I've been trying to do. co-dependent is something that I never wanted to be. now I'm thinking about seeing how long I CAN last without him. I'm going to have to at some point. It's only tuesday. he's back next weekend. I can last for the next week, because I'm going to be hanging out with gyan and it's never boring with him, he's my best friend <3 this week is the hardest, staying home, looking for things to occupy myself while waiting for everyone to come home. I feel like everyone seems to be leaving and I'm just left alone in the boring life I have. This is my only getaway for a while. I hope that this is okay, my feelings aren't intense enough to have people reading this over and over again, feelings sorry for me. I'm fine, at least I think I am. I want to be. I'll be okay for now. It's hard not to miss arjel, but I do all the time. obviously he's not missing me. he's having the time of his life and he's not doing what he said he was doing "i'll be thinking of you all the time" pfft. whatever. It's not gonna affect me.. that much. I just gotta face that fact. But I got this, I assure you I will not do anything to myself. I will do what right, I will take care of myself. I'll do what you said.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
Day 2, without you.
12:04 PM /
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still no calls, no tweet, no texts, no pins. your sister updates her bbm status. It hurts, when all I want is a reply from you, just to know you're safe. I miss you so much. can you just let me know? :(
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
Missing Me.
Sunday, July 24, 2011 9:49 PM /
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He already started to not miss me. He's just excited to get out of this world. I'm trying not to cry. Today is his last day and he's not even pinning me back, or calling me. My heart is kinda hurting right now. actually, its really hurting. oh well.. I guess I'm gonna have to deal with it. I'm just alone in my room sitting here listening to sad songs. No matter what I do, all I'll think about is him. I love him too much. I feel so empty already. I know hes busy, thats why I'm not constantly pinning him. He kept talking about his trip for the past few weeks and my heart just began to slowly hurt as he kept talking about it and as the day got closer and closer. Two weeks. the longest I've been away from him. I was so used to going to school and seeing him everyday and the weekend was so hard to not see him. It was only two days. It slowly got more bearable. Winter Break came, 10 days. But I got to see him on christmas, because I went to his family party with him. Made everything more bearable. second semester, we had almost every class together, every spare and every lunch hour. the best. exams slowly came, more studying, no more us time. school ended, constant cotillion practices, every day. My debut came. After that, once a week, twice a week tops. for 3-4 weeks. He's going to be gone for our 9th monthaverserey. this really sucks. I hate this. Everything hurts.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
suitcases and travel bags.
Saturday, July 23, 2011 1:31 PM /
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Why did you have to make me fall in love with you so much, and then leave the next day? I'm so heart broken. I know you'll be back. Everything will be and is currently so empty for me. I don't want to miss you. But thats all I can do right now. I'm sitting here on my bed wondering if yesterday was worth it. Spending the whole day with you. Knowing you'll be gone for 2 weeks. It would just make me miss you so much more. which obviously happened. What am I supposed to do? Everyone is going on vacation. I'm stuck here doing nothing with my life and getting myself into problems that barely involve me. I miss you arjel. come back safely. I love you so much.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
Everytime I Close My Eyes.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011 11:51 PM /
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I'm tired of all the things you do that get me mad. I'm tired of all the fights we have that never get resolved. I'm tired of constantly feeling heartbreak every single day. I'm tired of being tired...
But no matter reasons, I'd only want to go through this with you. When you get me mad, you absolutely know how to make my happy. After fighting, we're just the way we were before the fight. after every heartbreak, I fall in love all over again with you.
So my boyfriend sang this song to me in front of all my closest friends and family. He recorded it on my laptop the last time that I was at his house. I just watched it.. and I cried. I'm going through a lot, once again. It hurts all the time. I told him, and only him. My boyfriend is also my bestfriend. I tell him anything and everything. I miss him every single moment he is not around me. My heart aches for him. He's going to leave for his trip soon. I don't know what I'm going to do without him for a few weeks. I know I can get through it, but I don't know if my heart will allow it, its like apart of me is going to go missing. God please give me strength.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
Ironic song, when being honest is so hard for me to believe. also, when it's the title of our song. I hate when you keep talking about it, because its something that I don't wanna deal with or talk about. I'm sure it's exciting for you but, obviously, its not for me. Can you please just SHUT UP ABOUT IT. I've been nice about it, and I will continue to be nice about it while you do not know that this exists, or the url of this site. I hate how every time I'm with you time is so limited. I'm not a child any longer, you and you're not. stop being treated like one. I don't know how long I can take this hurt. I hate how every time you say "I miss you" or "I love you" it erases everything. I cannot leave my anger as it is. I hate being weak. I hate regretting telling you what I think.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
words.
Monday, July 18, 2011 9:07 PM /
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I fucking hate that stupid song. I'm so negative lately. holy fuck. I look for things/people to bash on. I don't know why. I think I hate myself right now. This is so hard to even understand.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
Day Late Friend.
Sunday, July 17, 2011 11:00 PM /
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you don't get it, do you? I spend every waking minute thinking about you and anticipating your call. I no longer reply to your pins early enough because its just a casualty now. It's just something that you're not doing cause you want to, but you're doing it because you're bored. I want you to WANT to talk to me. WANT to converse with me, and not just because you have nothing to do. Its been almost 9 months. What is it supposed to be like? I've never been with someone this long, but I've never felt farther away from someone. I miss you every waking second of every day. I really wish you read this and realized how frustrating this is. I want you to want me as much as I want you. I just don't know how I'm supposed to do it. can you help me fight for us as much as I do? please. I give the biggest hints ever, you're so oblivious and all you think about is yourself. Can you stop and care for me? I'm probably over-reacting because I'm stressed out. But it's not going to get any easier, we need to fight for this. This is all we have.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
Save You.
Saturday, July 16, 2011 11:10 PM /
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ugh I hate it when you pin me like this. obviously you don't understand how I feel.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
Heartbreak Warfare
Friday, July 15, 2011 8:58 AM /
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head vs. heart.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do about this. I'm tired of keeping my mouth shut. or being forced to say something when when I ask you other questions you're so cold that you don't even budge. so don't tell me that you wanna know because "you care so much about me" just let me have my secrets. after all we've been through, everything I've done to get us here. I can be independent, I know I can. I hate only posting angry things. Every time I read back it just becomes a cloudy grey memory. Just like this morning. I woke up from his pins. I got more angry. URGH. what am I supposed to do with you? I'm not going to make rash decisions. Do not tempt me. I know I'll regret what I think I would say. just leave me be. I don't need this.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
There Will Never Be Another You.
Thursday, July 14, 2011 8:41 PM /
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stupid fucking song. I hate this. I hate practicing. I hate singing. I only like it because it's something to do to kill time. I will not have this take over my life. I hate how this stupid recording is in the middle of summer. fuck my life. I hope she fucking dies before the stupid recording so we dont have to continue this anymore. I hate been the kj, but im sorry I NEED TO FOCUS ON SCHOOL NOW. I pay for it. I paid for all my trips during school thats over 1500$ so fuck off. UGH. I don't need you right now. I have so many other things that I need to get over with. I hope everyone sees how just this date ruined my summer. I have to fucking leave my cousin, whom I havent seen in SIX years, and may not see for a while. fuck, i hate this stupid vocal jazz.
so, maybe he just lusts for me. Life feels so boring. hes locked up which makes me feel locked up with him. I don't wanna do anything without him if it doesnt involve family. he's leaving for his trip in about a week and a few days. Its not fair that he wants to read this. why can't I have more secrets. I'm just really pissed off at him. ugh. fuck. my life sucks. I hate this. I don't know what to do. I keep questioning myself, does that mean it's not worth it? apparently its not, if you keep questioning it. But this is different. this is so much more different then way before. I'm scared. scared to put trust into him. I feel so broken. why. why her? I always feel so intimidated by all the other girls. he has so much more fun with everyone else. I'm getting boring to him, I am assuming. his phone calls are just a casualty. He doesn't really wanna talk to me. I really wish I could read his mind, just to see where his heart is at, if he thinks of me, or when this will ever make sense and make it all worth every single ounce of my being. and every single tear. I need to make this work. I hate how I try so hard. I can't say "I love you" anymore without questioning myself. I do love him, but I'm just afraid of not being loved back . Everyone seems to get sick of me and is scared to let me know, so they have to somehow "trick" their way out of it. ugh. My head says no, my heart says to keep trying. I don't know how to feel.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
maybe we should break up. you obviously have better things to do.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
incomplete
Sunday, July 10, 2011 11:42 PM /
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the week before my debut, was the most stressful, difficult and... the most happiest time of my life. My sister and her child drove w/ my sister's boyfriend all the way from B.C to here. I graduated. I spent time w/ the love of my life, my family that I haven't seen in 6 years flew in just to celebrate me. My debut was a bitter sweet kinda feeling. It was good that people came just to celebrate me, it was really different. It weird being the centre of attention when you're not used to it. My boyfriend wanted to spend time with me during the event, but I was too busy greeting and keeping other occupied. My godchild, all he wanted was my attention but I could only give him about a maximum 30 seconds. Everyone who ever meant anything to me had come. The few who didn't come clearly don't give a shit about how I feel. its either you lied, or you don't even care. so a big FUCK YOU goes to you guys. not that you're gonna read this, or even care. Whatever, you're fucking loss. I forgot to invite some people because I never see them around, and I felt really bad. so my apologies. two weeks after my debut, I'm sitting in my room making this blog. My sister left earlier this week, on tuesday to be exact. They left at noon. We were all hanging out for a while, my godson didn't really understand what was going on, but once they actually left he was crying for me and all I could do was walk away because I didn't want him to see me cry. I didn't cry that day. I hung out with my boyfriend a few days after, at his house. we took pictures on my laptop where I literally bring everywhere. recorded a few things. that night, he called me. I cried so much. I cried every bit and piece of my soul. I cried about how I just walked away. How all I wanted was to watch my godchild grow up. I'd give everything for him to just stay and have a stable environment. He is the reason why im so strong. my boyfriend was crying too. He knows how much my godchild means to me. He loves him too. my boyfriend knows that he was the key to my happiness. I just wish he was here right now. I'm breaking apart slowly. Everything is beginning to feel so incomplete again. everyone I love is slowly leaving me. The day of my convocation, before my debut, my aunt in B.C had died from liver cancer. She was the aunt who everyone compared me to, and said I was just like her. I wanted her to see me turn 18. Her viewing was a few days ago. my dad was so sad he couldnt even go to work the next day because he cried so much. My sister got home in time for the funeral. Though I haven't gotten to know my aunt, she will forever be alive in my heart. Today one of my cousins from B.C had flown back. I still had my other cousin and my aunt still here. I don't want them to leave. They're the only things that keeps me from breaking down in front of everyone. I went from finally complete to broken all over again. I cried because my boyfriend said he wanted to go to sleep. I didn't want anyone I loved to leave me anymore. It hurts too much. :( I really need help. I need someone to cry on, I feel so weak all the time. I'm trying to spend every waking moment with my family. I don't know when I'll end. my boyfriend is going on vacation soon, hes gonna leave me. my bestfriend is going to a conference. what am I supposed to do without them?? :(
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥