Blame it on the alcohol.
Sunday, April 29, 2012 11:01 PM /
top
damn, last night at alyssa's debut was amazing. I had so much fun with my high school friends aka chodes. Everything just felt right. After so long just being home and doing my own things being with my friends made me feel so loved.
I do not condone drinking. I know I became the biggest hypocrite last night. I drank, what felt like, endless shots. why? I needed to get this feeling of envy out of my system. It was so annoying, because I know it was no harm, its just how people were joking about things about my bf and one of our friends. "when are you guys ending?" "what? are you saying they're dating behind ardia's back?" ugh. I was so frustrated. SO FRUSTRATED.. I felt like crying. like.. he wouldn't listen to my stories, but when it came to her talking about their practicum he was all ears. When I wanted to sit at the head table to watch the modern she wanted to sit next to him but then she realized how awkward she felt and she said it out loud.. "omg this is so awkward! I'm gonna stand over there" "yeah it is awkward" and I had to beg him to stay. I just hate how he agreed with her and would automatically go with her. I was so annoyed, and it hurt that he didn't even see how much it bothered me. When she would say something really funny, he would look at her all loving and shit. They laughed really loud at the same time in the same tempo and volume.
It's just annoying seeing how perfect they look with each other. I can't stop seeing him with her. It breaks my heart just thinking of being without him.
But I drank. I took shots, lots of shots, with all my friends. It started w/ lime and vodka, then I finished that in about 5 minutes, I got cranberry and vodka after. When I drank half of my drink, I took shots of bacardi w/ jan, cat, and pat. my chaser was my cranberry and vodka.. because the lime made it taste like shit. I asked everyone what they drank and took sips, jan's crown and gingerale, arjel's rum and coke, BOTH WERE NASTY. took a shot of crown w/ jan, cat, jayce and pat. took a whole group shot (11 of us) of tequila. chased it down with a lime.. and then coke cause the tequila made me die a little. then I got another vodka and lime. We decided to take another shot w/ the birthday girl, it was supposed to be crown but it was gone after 3 shots were filled, so the rest were vodka. again, I chased it down with coke. I got some water. Then another vodka and lime. drank some of cat's drink, idr what it was though. took a sip of jan's beer. danced a little bit more. I didn't give a fuck that my boyfriend was dancing his ass off. I didn't give a fuck that she was next to him. all my worries went away for that period of time. All I felt was my love for partying, yeah i know.. i bet everyone is thinking "thats how alcoholism starts" or "ardia's the next snooki" like damn, it was just this time because all my friends were there and everything was free. Free alcohol is something to take advantage of.... yeah, if you really knew me.. I think alcoholism is in my blood thats why i've avoided alcohol for so long because I feel like i would get hooked. but anyways, it was hard to eat because after 6 shots we stopped for a while and it gave time for the alcohol to settle and i went from buzzed to tipsy. My vision was blurred and I was a little off balanced.. actually I was crazy off balanced. Benny saw me walk halfway into a chair and laughed at me. then more dancing, and me and arjel got a vodka and lime and then that was my last alcoholic drink of the night.
A slow song went on.. arjel danced with me. I was so happy, I didn't know how to show it. I loved having his arms around me, I just wanted to hold him closer and never let him go... I wanted time to stand still so I could be in his arms forever. I know I was a little tipsy, when I laid my head on his shoulder I feel all loopy and my head was spinning and it felt like I was floating. it felt weird, like "I know I feel like this because I'm drunk.. but I'm happy that I'm the one he's dancing with" none of my negative comments ever invaded my thoughts with i was alcohol-induced. Which seemed like a good thing, but will eventually become a bad thing.
but yeah, drinking is bad. But it made me feel so much better (as an alcoholic would say... ) I'm not depending on it, it was just there at the time and it became my escape from reality. escape from myself. I haven't had this "high" of happiness in a while. I hope things with get better. i'm sure it will get better.
Momentai.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
um.
Friday, April 27, 2012 1:55 PM /
top
I'm kind of getting curious about this new blogger thing, where it shows you how many views you've had. I thought no one reads this.. now I've gotta be more cleaner about what I write.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
Say Anything Else.
1:49 PM /
top
its so annoying, when I get offended and the other person knows, but all they do is change the subject and just go on with their lives. So annoying, like there isnt even a "sorry" anywhere? fogcue.
"NO" I wish that I could just say that straight up. I'm tired of beating around the bush and eventually giving in to people when they just talk to me when they need me. LIKE FUCK YOU ALL.
I've been so sour lately. I'm seriously thinking that this is depression. I never wanna get out of bed in the morning, I always feel so lonely. I know its MY choice to do whatever, but still.. Everyone seems so busy and I'm just slowly getting left behind. Sometimes I think its better to just leave me.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
Taken.
Monday, April 23, 2012 11:40 PM /
top
Its that turning of your stomach kinda feeling. Randomly asked a co-worker how she new my bf, she said the name of the girl that he said that he was
in love with before me. I knew it was a bad idea, because once I asked, I remembered how they knew each other and how whats-her-face moved and they
had to break up.. I know that was a long time ago.. but I still feel insecure. She's probably prettier, smarter, and more ambitious then I am. I know he loves me, but is that enough? Young love is the most pure. My heart drops to my stomach when I think of myself without him.
I hate how I over-think all of this. My brain isn't just in the right place right now. My heart just hurt so much when she was mentioned. I remember the day I asked.. how stupid of me to ask.. but I remember.. the way his voice sounded when he told me about her. It all came rushing back to him. I heard the smile in his voice while he talked about her. I remember how much I cried that night, all because I was thinking about what would happen if she came back, and wanted him. If he'd leave me in a heartbeat just for her.
I never realized how much I loved him until I imagined a world where he lacked. I'm not being depressed, I'm being real. Looking at both sides. I realize how bad this makes me look, but I just have to say it. even if it isn't to anyone. This'll be just for me.. and this blog.
I guess, I just feel like I do a little too much. I like to treat others how I'd like to be treated. Especially my boyfriend. I spoil him with everything he wants, and what I can afford. He deserves everything I give him. I just want to deserve something. I know he's trying, he just has other priorities and I know I may not be in the top 3.
This feeling.. of heartbreak. How it just ruined my day, and I just wanted to sleep my whole life away.
I'm so tired of not being good enough. I want to be sufficient.. and feel it too.
so... this was me plea. Whoever reads this, please pray for my strength, because I do all the time. My Generalized Anxiety Disorder isn't helping either. I need a big dose of dopamine in my system.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
Save You Tonight.
Monday, April 16, 2012 7:52 PM /
top
god damnit. getting these mood swings are getting out of hand. I think its because I'm alone all the time and it sucks. I need company. I don't really care who it is. I just need someone. I wish I had more friends, or at least, someone who could just come here and keep me company. I need my life back. I need to make money instead of staying home and cleaning.
I just spazzed out because I'm so anal about time, and things just weren't working. I just want to sleep all day. it's so annoying. ugh.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
Bad Day.
Sunday, April 15, 2012 5:04 PM /
top
Ugh, this is so annoying, like fucking seriously. I asked a co-worker for my schedule, cause its in a fucking binder at work, i called in sick on thursday so I could study for my exam, and I was there on friday but all the managers were there and I was scared to check so I asked someone to do it. "monday 3 - 9, wednesday 12-5, thursday 5-cl" WHAT THE FUCK. ugh this is so annoying. the letters M-O-N and S-U-N aren't that close to each other, how the fuck do you get that wrong? its so annoying. I knew I should have checked. My parent's are fixing the toilet/shower so there basically hasnt been any water in this house since 5 this morning. it's so annoying. holy fuck. this isn't even funny. Even if I did have work I wouldn't have water to shower in. SO FUCKING ANNOYING. I'm being sabotaged, I get a written warning, this is so annoying, I never got anything wrong when I checked it myself. like a big FUCK YOU, goes out to you. so fucking annoying. I'm gonna go into a corner and kill myself. UGH.
also, family isn't an excuse. man the fuck up call me when you call me. you're so annoying too. idgaf, what happened to "us" It's always like this, EVERY FUCKING TIME we have a good day together, PHYSICALLY, like together.. you have to ruin it by not calling me the next day. you said "I have to take it at 10:55" you left at 9:20, called me at 8:45. I don't want you to call me because you have to, I want you to call me because you want to talk to me. I don't need this, I know that theres so much better, but no matter what I'm sticking with this. I enjoy it when you want to be with me or want to talk to me. I'm so tired of feeling like this, you have no idea. It makes me feel like being single is a better option. after everything i've been through to get to this point. I can even count the things you did for me on one hand. if you tried to count mine, it would go on and on. I just want you to try. I want you to come here just to be here. I want you to make me feel like you're willing to be here for me. I want YOU. I'm tired of your family being around when I'm with you. once in a while is fine. I hate that there has to be an occasion for us to hang out. Why can't it just be for "us"? or why can't it just be at my house, where no money can be spent. cause I hate the "I have no money" excuse. BECAUSE I DO. I HAVE MONEY. I'm not afraid to spend it on you, clearly. I'm so annoyed right now I'm just venting everything.
I don't give a fuck anymore, this is so annoying. I just want to be alone. I hate the world. everyone is out to fuck shit up for me. I hate my life.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
Say Anything.
Monday, April 9, 2012 11:35 AM /
top
shut. the. fuck. up. I don't like you, go suck a dick, yenno.. if you could get one for once. fuck you.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
The Way You Are.
Saturday, April 7, 2012 9:32 PM /
top
I'm so annoyed right now, I don't tweet about my anger towards him anymore, but I just needed to. He has no idea how much I've changed for him. I never tweeted or blogged about him on tumblr when we were arguing when he told me not to. I'm
trying to be more sympathetic. apparently, I'm not sympathetic enough for his ass. I feel like i'm changing and I'm forgetting who I am along the way. It's so annoying. Its always ME who has to change. this is obviously a 75 - 25 kind of thing.
I just hate how I can't even say anything about it to him or he'll just be really mad at me.
like, it was just a fucking song, you didn't have to be a dick about it when I was wrong. You can't say you "love me" after you made me feel like shit. thank you, you just ruined my night.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
It's amazing how I can go from hating him with all my guts, and then to loving him with all my heart. I wish I could feel how he's feeling and vice-versa. I want to be the one who makes all his worries go away, because I love him so much.
I know all he can do is talk to me on the phone, sometimes I wish he would fight for me a bit more, but I know if I keep pushing that.. I might just lose him. I know it's not going to be easy, but I just want to be with him more often and not have his mom think I'm going to do something stupid. Obviously she thinks its me thats the bad influence, c'mon, its a two-person kinda job. He needs trust so that he can hang out with me, because sometimes.. I feel like he's not trying hard enough because he THINKS he already knows the result. Trust. thats all that they need to establish. It's annoying how our anniversary cancellation really got to me, it still kind of hurts. I remember how bad I felt. I remember every word
"so, you're not allowed to go?"
"no.. I have to go now, I'll call you later"
"... what are you doing?"
"I'm going out with my mom"
our first anni, and thats what happened, after I went all the way to visit him, give him a gift, just to try to convince him to be with me for that one day. I thought it would be something to help me forget how on our 9 months, he broke my promise not to drink at his elementary friend's debut. It didn't.
yeah, I'm poking at old wounds, that are seemingly fresh. I can't always have what I want, I guess being happy isn't one of them.
I wish I could just be over this disorder or problem.. whatever you call it. it makes me worry, it makes me forget how much this kid loves me. I want to be with him for as long as possible and I don't want it to get to me. I'm actually really happy that I have this blog to write too, I don't know what I'd do with myself if this wasnt here to vent. I don't give a fuck who reads this, you do not control my life. I can do whatever the fuck I want.
the average time a woman can keep a secret is 72h, I'm above the average. I'm going to give myself the best secret keeper award. I've kept the secret since they told me a few weeks ago. Even though I almost told it.. but I kept it from the bf, but only because there are things that he has yet to tell me, when those come out, then thats when he finds out something thats totally irrelevant to him.
it's been a while since I've blogged, so this is why theres so many different, and random, sections. I'm just ranting on. Its almost 1:30, I should get some sleep. Goodnight.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
Realize.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012 10:35 PM /
top
I hate this feeling right now.. I just called myself out. Yesterday I was otp w/ arjel at tita annadels and she said "why wasnt arjel here on saturday? .. oh wait never mind I asked that, he was sick." and she continued on and started to yell cause she knew arjel was otp with me. saying "ARJEL WHY WERENT YOU HERE ON SATURDAY, SICKNESS ISNT AN EXCUSE, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE PART OF THIS FAMILY" that felt good, knowing that my family loves him.. but when I told him that again today, I realized his family never says that.. I feel like his family doesn't give a fuck about me. I also told him I wanted to travel with him before we were married, not because of the sensual part of it, but to be with him. He didn't want to, which obviously broke my heart. Like.. I even said in like 6 years, you know.. if we're still together and I'm graduated from university. He says we would need "time" to get "money" like.. he is WEEKS away from his career. I am years away, but I have a part-time job already, saved about 300 dollars since January, but I'm going to save most of it for my trip this summer.
I know I love him.. but I don't think I can take the fact that his family doesn't give a fuck about me.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥