Forever.
Saturday, July 28, 2012 10:20 AM /
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I dont know. I'm so tired of the world right now. Everything just seems to be crashing down. especially yesterday, when I broke down. I just can't take so many disappointments in one day. I don't know. I didn't enjoy my evening as much as I could have, for obvious reasons.
so many tears have been shed. I always tell myself "I love him, we can get through this all" when I get mad. But when I was mad yesterday, all I was saying to myself "get him away from you, tell him to go home. If he talks to you don't say anything, don't even let him touch you" all be cause I was so frustrated with my life. I just didn't say anything. I wanted to get through with it. But instead of doing anything, but I fell asleep. It felt so good to fall asleep for a while without thinking. But I heard my mom call my name. I finished crying, and then I facetimed with my sister and my niece and nephew. It made my day, just seeing their face, and talking to them. They make me so happy.
I just want to be happy. I don't want to cry anymore.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
Unfold.
Friday, July 20, 2012 7:15 PM /
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so many things happening, so many reasons to overthink. I don't know what I want anymore.
It's been a while. My emotions have been everywhere. I always think I'm PMS-ing, but I havent gotten my period since last year. All of this anxiety/stress is the reason. I thought the vacation would have made my stress go away, but having the vacation with my parents just made it more angry cause they drive so fucking slow, and they get so angry at me when I'm trying to correct them. like fuck you, we could have spent atleast 5-7 more hours with the family if you guys would just listen to the gps.
I don't have the will to go on sometimes. I feel like everything's dull. My heart hurts. weh.
I went to tita luchies grave. cried so much. Everyone used to call me little luchie, just because I reminded everyone of her. I guess thats why it hurts so much to sing anymore.
I was told that I'm really good. In all types of aspects. I was told that I'm a good daughter, a good sister, and a to-be-mother. I don't stress my parents out like my older sister did, I always look out for my siblings, and I take good care of my little cousins. A good girlfriend? I have yet to be told that. But I think I am, or I like to think. Obviously I'm very patient with all the hell I've been put through. I know I lose it sometimes, but I know this is what I want.
I don't know how to make myself feel better.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
Birthweek.
Sunday, July 8, 2012 12:58 AM /
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officially been 19 for a week. Everything has been really good lately. I love how my boyfriend can spend time with me. I love how he calls me his "special girl" I feel like I'm on top of the world with him. I deserve this right? I'm not a bad person. Now I'm just afraid I can't ever live up to the gifts he gives me. It won't be equal. I know he thinks it's okay for him to buy me things, and it has been, just because I know I spent WAAAY more during the past 2 years we've been togeths. Now he's making so much money, he wants to spend something on me.. I can barely do that for myself. I just want one more thing out of him, and it's his freedom (and maybe a car so his mom doesn't have to drive us.. its so embarrassing)
anyways. I have a friend. They always seem to become SO infatuated with the person they are recently pursuing. I'm worried, they've gotten hurt many times and I just don't want them to hurt anymore. I don't know what to do.
I've got another friend, that's being VERY persuasive about something that I am not comfortable about. I don't know how to say that to them without offending them, or hurting other relationships with people around me.
I'm leaving in a few days. I wish my boyfriend could at least spend an hour with me before I leave, but it's not my say. I don't own him. I hope he doesn't forget about me when I'm gone. I know he works with all these girls around him. obviously I'm the jealous type. I barely show it, and when I do its because I want it to show. Sometimes I wish my bf wasn't so friendly, but its a good thing I guess. My family loves him and they all think he's "the one" But idk.
So, I went to my old choir teacher (but my current vocal jazz director) and we haven't been in contact for about a month. We just talked about school, my school, how her school went. asked about my life. blahblahblah, nothing really important but she told me something that hit me. "this is your life. do what you have to do to achieve your goals. if some people don't fit in your future, maybe they weren't meant to be" I couldn't have said it any better. If something doesn't work out, It shouldn't matter. My happiness should always be first.
but I'm on the fence about "happiness" because I'm more of a happiness-bearer instead of the happiness-keeper. I feel better lifting people's spirits. Life feels more complete when I make someone smile. But these are my battles.
I overdosed on caffeine today. I'm never drinking coffee ever again. tea maybe, but not coffee. not even coffee flavored. But it wasn't that much. I just barfed it all out. It took me a while to get better, and a lot of fluid was lost. But I'm better. Thank God it was fatal.
anyways, this is getting long. but then again, it's been a while since I've updated. it's not usually this happy. I guess it's a good thing that I wasn't blogging, it seemed like I was enjoying myself. I'm glad I have this to talk to when theres no one else.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥