I can't even think of a title for this post.
everything hurts. EVERYTHING.
I fucked up. big time. I got so angry that my bf said "I hate you, I hate everything about you" I guess it takes a lot for me to make someone say that.
after work today, my mom told me she wants to leave my dad. that my siblings and I are the only reason why they're together. Dad's music comes first to him. I get it. that's why he blasts his speakers and doesn't give a shit if my brother wants to sleep, or if we have exams to study for. mom told me that he complains about not having enough money for himself. mom wants to move out and give us the choice to choose where we want to live.
she kept telling me how thankful she is that we're not "bad kids" we don't go out late, drink, party or whatever. when she said that I realized that the only reason why I don't so that is because I don't want to disappoint my parents. I don't want to make them worry like my sister did to them and i was here to witness their anger. I want to go out, I want to have fun. I want to party and I want to drink. but I don't want to disappoint them and make them think I'm a bad kid.
I really don't want them to split up. I want us to just be happy. I want us to be a family. there's an "ILY" at the end for a reason... because of love. that's what families are supposed to do. not hate each other.
it sucks, cause I still remember the time he bashed my head against the wall at portage place. my dad has no boundaries. I remember him hitting my sister at the forks, I know my mom tells me about how when I was a kid he used to punch my mom. and one time I hit my head and I was rushed to the hospital and my dad was put in jail for one night because of domestic abuse.
maybe that's why I'm so fucked up. I can't trust men. it's hard, because I have (or had) the best boyfriend ever... and I screwed it up cause I'm fucked up.
maybe he should just leave me. I'm never gonna get better. maybe I'll just continue to screw everything up. maybe that's why I keep thinking my bf will hit me when he's mad. because my dad hits my mom.
I don't want to join the "daughters marry their fathers" theory. I don't. BUT WHY DO I THINK HES GOING TO HIT ME WHEN HE SAID HE NEVER WOULD? CAUSE IM FUCKED UP IN MY HEAD. IVE BEEN TRAUMATIZED. IVE BEEN MANIPULATED BY THE VISIONS IN MY HEAD.
I want to yell, scream and shout. every single day of my life. I want to get rid of these feelings. but i know it will never go away.
maybe it's best if I lose everything. because after that there's nothing else to lose. there's nothing else to cry about.
I just want him to hold me. but he said he hates me. I would hate me. I totally would if I were him. I'm stupid and selfish and relentless and stubborn. I just can't seem to backdown.
it's better if he leaves me. I love him, and I want him to be happy. I want him to not want to live with my burdens. I can take it. i endured this for a little over 20 years, why would I need anyone else? I can do this alone, right? Right? please just give me a sign that I'm strong enough. I've been trying so long to be strong for my siblings.
it's a heavy burden to hold. being strong for others when all I want to do is be anywhere and feel anything but this.
maybe it's for the best.