Fix You.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011 9:17 PM /
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more like.. "fix me.. please"
what am I supposed to do? how is this even happening? what is wrong with the world? This may all seem like its my period's emotions. I'm pretty sure that those emotions intensify them. Nothing is ever going to be okay. nothing.
You're fucking crazy. fuck you. I fucking hate you. mom says not to hate you, but I FUCKING HATE YOU. get the fuck away from us. get the fuck out of this house. I defend you in my mind way too many times. all I remember of you is bad things. fuck you all. get your fucking mom out of this fucking house. I do not need this right now.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
7 things.
Monday, August 29, 2011 8:33 PM /
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What do I want really? I spent the day telling myself I'd preoccupy myself I end up online window shopping for something to wear for my 10 monthaversarey date. Also, thinking about not to answer his phone calls, but now I just want to hear his voice. I hate how much I love him. I hate how I cannot stay mad at him. This pain is fucking killing me.
7 things I hate about you:
- your perfectionism
- your insecurities
- the fact that you can't see me all the time
- you don't let me pay for things
- how you hate the color orange, or polka dots
- sometimes you don't hear what I want to say.
- how much I know you love me.
7 things I like about you.
- your scent
- the way your eyes look when you mean something
- the way you say my name
- your laugh
- the way it feels when you're holding me in your arms
- how just the sound of your voice gives me butterflies
- how much I know you love me.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
I am human. I get mad. I make mistakes, especially in this relationship. I can be bi-polar at times, I admit it. I get frustrated with you, you bet I do. You do the dumbest things to get me angry. I say the dumbest things to get you angry. No matter what, there will always be a point where either of us do something wrong. When I realize I’m wrong, I stutter my words to figure out what to say, because I just want to be right. When you realize you’re wrong you go silent for a pretty long time and then say “I’m sorry” in the most sincerest tone. Arguments are one of the things that can make or break a relationship. It’s not the argument itself, but how we can handle it and how it strengthens the bond between both of us.
You are difficult, you know what makes me tick, you frustrate the hell out of me. I’m so tired of feeling this way. If this is what it takes to be with you, then so be it. No matter the reason for this, I am willing to fight for us. Because there obviously isn’t an “us” without you.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
Can't Keep On Loving You From A Distance.
Sunday, August 28, 2011 11:28 PM /
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Where am I supposed to start? I fuck up. I'm not perfect. There is something wrong with me. I know there is, somewhere. I'm just so tired of missing you all the time. So you technically hung up on me, no "bye" or "i love you". just "i guess I should be sleeping then" then nothing. my heart constantly breaks when we have these fights, or I have feelings of sadness because of something you did. There are times where I choose not to talk to you. But I give in. that one pin, that one tweet. Everything makes me miss you all the time. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of missing you. I'm not tired of you. I'm just tired of missing you. I know what you're gonna say if I said this to your face "you cant always miss me, I cant always be on your mind" well I guess I've done the impossible.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
So Long Sweet Summer...
6:30 PM /
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once again.
I know I havent been posting lately. I just wanted to enjoy my summer, or whats left with it. I spend the majority of my week w/ arjel, but also with my cousin and siblings. We went swimming. I just went to the corn festival in Morden w/ Arjel's family. It was really good. I love spending time with arjel and his family. everything just feels right. I just watched clock stoppers a few hours ago. I kinda wish I had that watch. To stop time, a second feels like an hour. I'd be with my boyfriend forever. I love him to pieces. If only.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
Who Do You Tell?
Monday, August 22, 2011 3:42 PM /
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So, obviously I'm here because I refuse to get anyone else into this situation. Keeping to myself most of the day. this is one of the most depressing days I've ever had. I didn't know what to think of anything. I cried for 10 mins last night. one of my previous posts were about how real pain only lasts 12 minutes. I guess I'm not stronger then I thought I was. I felt like I was strong. I was indestructible. You can make me cry, but you will not break my spirit. I need therapy. I'm fucked up in the head. Magnum P.I couldn't even solve what's going on in there.
I refuse to let myself answer his phone calls. I want to be myself. Before I met him. 10 months ago. I don't care if im heartbroken. If he wants to break up with me, so be it. I will not force him to be my boyfriend if he doesnt want to. Heartbreak takes time to heal, I don't want to live a lie anymore. This makes me so frustrated. I feel like shit right now. If I didn't have a boyfriend it would be so much better. seriously. I need this to stop. I don't want to do this anymore. not anymore. I know I keep saying these things to myself. But I don't know what else to do. I havent tweeted all day because I refuse to let him know how I feel anymore, because It always seems to backfire. ALL the time, when I want to get MY opinion, it seems like its one of the seven deadly sins. If he read this blog, he'd break up with me in a milli-second. The instant he reads my posts of anger. my posts of past loves. he'd be jealous and frustrated at the same time. He needs to stop getting jealous of me. I constantly get jealous of him, he has fun with his family. His family loves him unconditionally. My family just runs away from their problems, which causes the problems to escalate. He has his life to live, I interfere because he has to "make time" for me. I'm pretty sure I'm only mad at him because when I talked to Averey, he never said bye to me. He was there all the time for me, when I needed him, he was right there. He was constantly on the line, it was a comfortable silence when we were sleeping on the phone together. He was the last and first thing I heard. It just felt good. To have someone there for you. Is he the person I thought averey was? am I trying to make him the person I fell in love with before him? was I trying to fill in the void? I'm really confused. am I not in love with the person he is?
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
Dying To Live Again.
12:55 AM /
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I just raged.. again. It was out of line this time. But why would he tell me to change? everything is in your favor bitch. I just want to have time to talk to you. You wanted me to fucking break up with you. you totally pushed it. I'm so glad you can't fucking see it. again, our 10 months is almost here. I want to be here for you, but you're a fucking bitch.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
unpretty.
Sunday, August 21, 2011 9:25 PM /
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i just raged out on my boyfriend. I got really mad. did I have a right to? well I don't know. I just broke out. he just said "sorry." and now hes waiting in silence as I'm typing this. like I did not wait three days for him to fucking call me "rude" and get all up in my grill. like what the fuck yo. what you did wasn't even necessary. my heart is fucking hurting right now because of this. you call me at 12 last night saying "i just called to say goodnight because im going to sleep" and then you tell me now that you slept at 2? like FUCK YOU. "i was trying to sleep" isnt a good fucking answer. you're fucking watching tv. fuck you, you fucking whore. you call yourself a "boyfriend" and you cant even consider my feelings. ugh.
an another thing. my dad is a fucking prick today. he wants me to get my case "custom made" because he doesnt want me buying things off the internet. like FUCK my computer sucks fucking balls. i fucking hate this. UGH.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
Still thinkin' about you.
12:08 AM /
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If you're not gonna call me, just let me know. I refuse to continue to sit by my phone waiting for you to fucking call me.
or
If you're going to make me wait for your call, and you do call. Don't leave a minute later.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
won't even start.
Friday, August 19, 2011 11:56 PM /
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goodbye summer. farewell heat, I'm pretty sure I won't miss you that much.
Today, I had an interview. I should be happy. Don't get me wrong, I am. I feel like I need arjel. I need to hear is voice now. It gives me the drive to chase away the sorrows. My heart drops when he said he would call and doesn't. But it drops when he says he isn't going to talk to me at all. "me" day is "don't talk to ardia" day. he still has the balls to tweet while he's not talking to me. I don't know why I'm so mad all the time, why everything just hates me. I hate this, I fucking hate this. I don't want to need someone.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
Don't Know Why.
Thursday, August 18, 2011 10:15 PM /
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I fucked up. I made a mistake. I over-reacted. he loves me, I have to remember that. I miss him. My heart hurts.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
You Could Be Happy.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011 11:20 AM /
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The shit I do for you willingly, even when you say "no" to it. You think this having a private blog is shady? I'm sorry that I'm not going to anyone else with my problems other than you. I'm sorry for not breaking your trust and going to the internet for condolence. I'm so angry right now, I'm just gonna keep talking here until I can't. You frustrate me, to the freaking core. I just can't let you go. I have visions of us together for all time. I want these visions to come true. I want to be with you. I want to be able to finally call you mine, without the fear of losing you. Can you just not? please, I want to know its going to be okay between us. Just "okay" not "perfect" there's nothing that brings us closer then after a fight.
maybe it's the shitty weather thats making me like this. or my jealousy. I know I shouldn't be jealous. I can't help it though. I'm poisoning myself. I'm conditioning myself to feel like this. It's so wrong. I just want to be consoled.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
Jealous.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011 9:46 PM /
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do I feel left out? yes. But I don't want to bother you about anything right now. You already have too much on your plate, and obviously I do too. It's just you're so busy with your life and I'm doing absolutely nothing. I think I'm poisoning myself. It kinda really hurts. You want to hang out with your jr high friends, cool. Will there be girls? yes. will there be the girl that I know about but not know who she is and will she be there? maybe. I don't know. I guess I'm scared about that too. His "dance group" also my friends are always having practice. He seems to have more time to "practice" they barely practice. He's barely allowed to see me. Which bothers me too. It hurts, hurts like a bitch. I doubt they'll make it. But I think that its because I'm jealous of the time he spends with them. And I don't want him to be far away if he makes it.
The other day we were talking about our "future" or the one that we hope to have together. It got me scared. I don't know what I'm going to do because I don't know if I'm good enough. like come on bro, me? being a doctor? That's not gonna happen. I'm not good enough, lets be real about it. Like really? do you think of all people in the world, I would be successful? I'd love to be, trust me. But with everything I've been through, my lack of dedication to school work and my laziness who would think I'd be, of all people, successful.
so otp w/ my boyfriend. He didnt answer a question I asked. I hate that awkward silence between us. He either didnt hear the question, or did and isnt answering. like seriously fuck, don't complain about shit if you dont want me to do anything about it. like shut the fuck up. I'm sorry, I'm raging here because I can't rage on the phone. I dont type a lot anymore because MSN is so a million years ago and every one is just on their phones and stuff. Everyone has a cellphone now.
bipolar. I'm happy now. ugh. Its so annoying how he can just flip around an emotion like its a fucking pancake. but idk he cant really cook. omg k i'll just shut up now, I'm taking nonstop now. tee tee why elle yo!
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
Lets Stay Together.
Monday, August 8, 2011 10:00 AM /
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I spent last night crying hysterically. I have no idea how he thinks of me anymore. I wish I did know. I wish I knew a lot of things. P.U.S.H
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
Foolish Heart.
Sunday, August 7, 2011 12:47 AM /
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I'm a broken puzzle piece. He's got a picture perfect family.. Is this really necessary? Why do I even feel this way? Why am I making myself feel this way? Am I taking it all out on myself? I'm so confused with emotions. I don't even know where to start anymore. It's everything. I'm just tired of this. Tired of everything.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
Emotionless.
Friday, August 5, 2011 7:08 PM /
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I'm emotionally confused. I know I should look at the brighter side of things, but I dont. Its like you prepare yourself for the worst as you think of the best thing that could happen. He had a picture perfect family, mine is just broken. is this even worth it? I love being with his family, all the time. my family is just fight after fight. urgh.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
Home.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011 6:22 PM /
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so he's home. surprisingly, I'm not as happy as I wanted to be. Maybe because I'm not done my project yet. yeah.. thats the reason..
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
Day 9, Honestly.
12:30 AM /
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9 days without you. the longest I've ever gone without you. You barely talked to me today.. well as in yesterday. Because it was our 9 months. I just want you back home, safe. I miss you hun.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
Day 8 pt 2, Next 2 You.
Monday, August 1, 2011 3:08 PM /
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We're made for one another; me and you and I have no fear, I know we'll make it through...
right before I fell asleep, I cried for about 5 minutes. At least I think it was about 5 minutes. It felt like an hour to be honest, but everything feels longer when you're not enjoying the moment. I know I shouldn't even care about how much it hurts, it shouldn't be like this. what is wrong with me? everything is so different now. He's probably gonna talk non-stop about his trip. gyan's gone good. but I'm going to the philippines next year, so it would only make sense for me to be bored this year after my debut. I honestly don't miss the stress. it's something I'd rather live without. Abby's debut is the year after that. next year will also be the baptisim of my tita's kid because shes having her child this year, at least I think she is. maybe I can actually go to this one this time. I feel bad for not going to the others. I love my cousins. The past week has been family, straight family. No friends what so ever. yeah, I don't know where I'm going with this anymore, I'm just speaking my mind as I watch Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.
Today is my 9 months, as already stated in the last post, with my boyfriend. I wish he could at least be in the same country as I am. -_-" thats all..
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
Day 8, All Yours.
1:02 AM /
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Today is gonna suck. Being away from you, especially today will just suck. I miss you arjel, come back :( even if its just for today. I wanna hear your voice, I want you to hug me. I wanna know you love me and that you're thinking of me. :'(
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥