so, I'm sitting at home.. alone.. as usual. But I'm practicing for Absolute Zero. Its always so bitter sweet when I see them. Its fun seeing them and everything, but its just annoying that I have to see them because we have to do something.. for free. My time is precious now, I sit at home practicing instead of job hunting because my job at forever 21 is total shit. I get 2 shifts a week, max 3. I used to get scheduled all the time, but these bitches are so annoying. like, what do you really want?

Ugh I've been so uptight about things lately. I feel a strong obligation towards Absolute Zero, because they're my friends and I'd hate to disappoint them. I want to mindlessly play final fantasy until my eyes bleed. I need to relax. BUT I CAN'T even when school's over, my anxiety takes hold. I walk the earth with a heavy heart.

I just watched to 2h glee season finale, so many things made me cry. Puck getting into a fight, losing, and then crying to coach telling saying "do you know how many football games i've had the past three years? do you know how many my mom went to? NONE" "my old man has been absent since i was 10, he kept telling me I was garbage, guess what, HE WAS DAMN RIGHT".. I hate when I see people do that to themselves, it makes me feel so sad. idk, I want to be their friend. I always feel like that, and everyone wants a friend who knows what their going through. Theres also another part where I felt sad, was when Tina got angry because she was always just in the bg, and she was pissed off at rachel berry. I always feel like that with a0. Everytime I get a solo, it always has to be "shared" theres nothing that's ever "my song" except for "a time for love" I was fine with yvanne doing the scatting part, I can't scat for my life. In Glee, Mike said to Tina "that was selfish, you're a junior you'll have your time next year" and that made her have an epiphany and shit. I was still mad. There is no "next year" because no one is leaving. I hate being in the bg, being the underdog. I hate being the one that doesn't have enough unique-ness or talent for my time to shine. I hate being so alone singing my part. Also, in Glee when they're nervous about performing, they made me feel anxious. I hate feeling anxious. I think I need anti-anxiety meds. I'm so tired of feeling this way.

My anxiety ruined my date yesterday. there was so much going on in my mind. I could barely watch the movie. I was practicing all day, and I couldn't get certain parts so I was so frustrated. I was frustrated with everything. I became bitchy towards my bf, and he knew it wasn't just me being me. idk whether is was his ex reference pissed me off or the fact that he said "its gonna make you mad" if he mentioned anything about her. obviously I'd be mad no matter what, I just don't like the fact that he hides stuff from me.

as I was looking through my dashboard on tumblr, i came across a post saying some thing "a good man stays with her no matter what" and "a good woman gets angry all the time, but still stays" am I not a good woman? I had intentions of leaving because I couldn't take being hurt anymore. I've said it like 3 times already. I'm still single on facebook, because I haven't added him back. I feel ashamed. I don't want to feel like that, but i do. I wish it was easier my heart to feel happy. Its like nothing does anymore. am I wrong for wanting to be happy? last night, I missed his call, which was kind of a bitter-sweet thing, because i thought he wasn't going to call me to say goodnight so I left my phone in my room and I went to the living room to eat. I got back into my room, and he called and when he tweeted that "i love you" at the end, I just started crying. I just keep disappointing him. all the time. I dont know that I'll do to myself anymore.