That wasn't even necessary. I was serious when I said that this is the last time I'd ever ask you to do. I spill my heart out, and this is what I get. "goodnight, I'll call you tomorrow" no. i don't want that. I want our problems to be resolved. I'm tired of this unrequitedness when it comes to my feelings. Sometimes I think fighting with you is pointless, because you're so stubborn. at least I realize that I'm wrong and I feel bad about it all the time. I feel like its ALWAYS my fault.
idk, I love him. but sometimes I don't think love -alone- is enough.
I really wanted to try to smoke today, to be totally honest. I almost took a drag. I was so close. I knew what everyone would think of me if I did. I'd be a disappointment. I heard that smoking makes people relax. I feel like I need it. SO badly. since people aren't an option anymore. no one wants to hang out with me, well no one good-influenced enough to keep me out of trouble.
Trouble is in my blood. I feel like if it happens once, it's going to be a problem. Alcohol is so nasty in my system. But I get happy and talk a lot when I'm drunk. I forget anything that has to do with sadness/depression. I wonder how "relaxed" I'd feel if i took a drag of that joint, or of that peach-flavored cigar. All that temptation was so hard to resist. Everyone was like "c'mon just this once" or "its all in good fun, you're in a good environment" which was true, i knew they cared about me enough to be truthful. but i didnt and honestly regretting it at this moment. But when I look back I'll be proud of myself for saying no.
"no" is easy to say for drugs, but not for anything else. "ardia, can you do this?" "ardia, after you do this, can you please do that?" never a "no" its always an "of course" or a "sure" especially when it comes to people I truly care about. It's so annoying. I keep telling myself I need to learn to say "no" but it just never comes to mind when someone asks me things.
idk, I'm so angry right now. I don't know how to deal with it. Sometimes "those thoughts" hit my mind and I quickly change the thought. it still crosses my mind though, and I get scared. I'm pretty sure I'm hitting depression now. Anxiety is only just a factor. lets just hope this is mild and I can get through this without hitting anything else.