I've wanted to blog with this title, but I've always had other things on my mind.

It sucks. Watching my current favorite show, Victorious, and seeing Beck and Jade be "couple-ish" all the time, but I love victorious because of all the songs, and obviously because I have a celeb crush on Avan Jogia. Seeing how Beck looks at jade, or how Beck looked at Tori in the latest episode. The rush of feeling like the person looking back of you may love you then you would ever know.

Anyways, about blogging, not just giving a summary of the last episode of Victorious. I was pissed off today. Because last night he kept tweeting even after he said he was "going to sleep" he did that twice this week, yesterday and I think it was 2 days before that. I know he has things to do, so thats why I let him go and "sleep" but he doesnt sleep. He tweets to my cousin. I'm so tired of feeling this way, he has more time w/ my cousin, and his friend, more than me.

yes. I am still jealous. But what can I do? nothing. Thats what. I just leave it be. That may have also been part of the reason I didn't want him to call me tonight, I didnt want to hear her name. It gets me angry. I know "a good girlfriend isn's jealous" but I am. Call me a bad girlfriend all you want. I'm tired of repeating things. So I just stopped talking about it. I also do not condone drinking, but if I had a bottle of vodka, you bet I'd be chugging it out of jealousy. I hate how he has so much fun with her. he didn't even reply to my pin of the picture of my new kitchen. He just read it. I don't like them together. I don't.

About the title, I was thinking of so many ways he makes me happy, but I also thought about how many nights he's unknowingly made me cry myself to sleep. how many times he leaves me angry and he doesnt do anything about it.. how many times where he doesnt deserve to be with me, but I still stay. I was so broken when I thought I broke up with him for good. I was prepared to give back everything, his shirts, the couple sweater, my CCC sweater, my pillow pet, the bag he got me for our 6th monthaversarey, and his birthday. Everything that reminded me of him. I was going to give it back. I already arranged a friend to pick me up and my stuff and drive me there. I was so broken. Nothing made sense to me. I didn't eat for the whole day and the day before. I'm just tired of feeling so sad.

It was annoying, Today, I was already pissed off that he was going to "her" house. I didn't want anything to do with him. Then I saw him at my work when I walked in. He looked happy to see me. I saw pictures of him this morning on twitter.. all I could think was "my boyfriend has so much swag today" and how jealous I was because my boyfriend wasn't with me, but with "her" and my cousin. But anyways, I saw him at my work.. and he came up to me.. I don't know what came over me, but I let out whatever was left of my anger on him. I tried to make him feel bad. I tried to make him realize why I feel so bad. It seemed to work a little bit. I stopped caring about how he felt for a while. Because my brain can't work when it's emotionally exhausted. I talked to him, his mom and his dad. I asked him in front of his mom to go to my mom's birthday BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY HE DIDNT ASK, she probably said "yes" just because I was there, and she's gonna change everything on him that day, and I'm going to feel shitty, and then I'm going to want to end our relationship because I don't want his mom to get between us anymore. But thats just an assumption. He walked me to the back and gave me a kiss.

I love him. I know I do. those 10 minutes with him made all my worries go away. I hated it. Because I don't want to know that just his presence makes everything better. I don't want to know that his presence is the only thing to make me feel better. I want to be okay without him. I need to love me, it's hard when I'm just a fat blob of life that works retail. I cannot change my needy attitude. I'm happier with him, but I don't want to be. He has goals, ambitions. I don't deserve the pure sadness for numerous days and one day get happy. It doesn't add up. I'm supposed to be happy all the time. There's always something to worry bout with me. I have really bad anxiety, its a problem that I'm trying to work on.

When I'm worried about someone I care about and I cannot do anything about it.. I shake uncontrollably, not continuous, but in random jolts that last about 2-3 seconds. I checked my phone, at 12:58 AM I had 3 missed calls from my best friend, Gyan. I called him back. He was slurring his words, he asked where I was, I asked where he was. He said "I'm out with some friends, but I don't know where I am" I started to freak out, because I didn't know what I could do. I heard yelling. A guy took his phone, started talking to me, I had to ask who it was, it was Kenny. He was my counterpart for YFC before, and the other person was belle. Kenny stated that gyan was a little intoxicated, I know those two could take care of gyan, but I was still really worried. I didn't know what I could do. They assured me he would be fine. I wish I could do more for Gyan. I've been in his position, I've been led on. To think someone really liked you, but all they wanted to do was get in your pants. It hurts. It physically hurts, not just emotionally. But I want to be there for my best friend, I know I'm one of the few people he trusts. I don't want to break that. I hope he's doing well. I love you gy, please be okay.

I don't usually think of myself as a good asset to a friendship. or any type of relationship. I have issues. Stuff that I can't get over. I just want someone to understand, love me for me, and not try to change me. I changed so much from where I was 5 years ago. People who haven't known me for that long, They don't know how much I've changed. I used to be quiet, shy and very bashful. no one would believe that  right now.

I wish I could tell you so many things. I wish you could feel how I feel. I want you to know that I love you, I'm so in love with you that nothing ever seems to matter when you're around. I want to know you love me as much as I love you. I love you because nothing ever needs to start at the beginning. You're my beginning, middle and hopefully the end. I appreciate the phone calls every day. Even though you say "phone calls could be enough for some couples." no. we aren't just "some couples" we're us. there is no need to compare to other people. You're so close to me, and it just seems petty to just use the phone. I miss us. I miss being next to you. I miss feeling you against me. Just lying there. I miss hearing your heart beat. I miss the scent of you lingering on my skin after we leave.

What's the point of being in a relationship if we can't even make-out in peace? It's always in secret. which pisses me off. The future might be a little bit too far for me. I'm anticipating the day where we live together, have children and live happily, with our careers supporting us. Everything just seems so far fetched.