It's amazing how I can go from hating him with all my guts, and then to loving him with all my heart. I wish I could feel how he's feeling and vice-versa. I want to be the one who makes all his worries go away, because I love him so much.
I know all he can do is talk to me on the phone, sometimes I wish he would fight for me a bit more, but I know if I keep pushing that.. I might just lose him. I know it's not going to be easy, but I just want to be with him more often and not have his mom think I'm going to do something stupid. Obviously she thinks its me thats the bad influence, c'mon, its a two-person kinda job. He needs trust so that he can hang out with me, because sometimes.. I feel like he's not trying hard enough because he THINKS he already knows the result. Trust. thats all that they need to establish. It's annoying how our anniversary cancellation really got to me, it still kind of hurts. I remember how bad I felt. I remember every word
"so, you're not allowed to go?"
"no.. I have to go now, I'll call you later"
"... what are you doing?"
"I'm going out with my mom"
our first anni, and thats what happened, after I went all the way to visit him, give him a gift, just to try to convince him to be with me for that one day. I thought it would be something to help me forget how on our 9 months, he broke my promise not to drink at his elementary friend's debut. It didn't.
yeah, I'm poking at old wounds, that are seemingly fresh. I can't always have what I want, I guess being happy isn't one of them.
I wish I could just be over this disorder or problem.. whatever you call it. it makes me worry, it makes me forget how much this kid loves me. I want to be with him for as long as possible and I don't want it to get to me. I'm actually really happy that I have this blog to write too, I don't know what I'd do with myself if this wasnt here to vent. I don't give a fuck who reads this, you do not control my life. I can do whatever the fuck I want.
the average time a woman can keep a secret is 72h, I'm above the average. I'm going to give myself the best secret keeper award. I've kept the secret since they told me a few weeks ago. Even though I almost told it.. but I kept it from the bf, but only because there are things that he has yet to tell me, when those come out, then thats when he finds out something thats totally irrelevant to him.
it's been a while since I've blogged, so this is why theres so many different, and random, sections. I'm just ranting on. Its almost 1:30, I should get some sleep. Goodnight.