Its that turning of your stomach kinda feeling. Randomly asked a co-worker how she new my bf, she said the name of the girl that he said that he was in love with before me. I knew it was a bad idea, because once I asked, I remembered how they knew each other and how whats-her-face moved and they had to break up.. I know that was a long time ago.. but I still feel insecure. She's probably prettier, smarter, and more ambitious then I am. I know he loves me, but is that enough? Young love is the most pure. My heart drops to my stomach when I think of myself without him.

I hate how I over-think all of this. My brain isn't just in the right place right now. My heart just hurt so much when she was mentioned. I remember the day I asked.. how stupid of me to ask.. but I remember.. the way his voice sounded when he told me about her. It all came rushing back to him. I heard the smile in his voice while he talked about her. I remember how much I cried that night, all because I was thinking about what would happen if she came back, and wanted him. If he'd leave me in a heartbeat just for her.

I never realized how much I loved him until I imagined a world where he lacked. I'm not being depressed, I'm being real. Looking at both sides. I realize how bad this makes me look, but I just have to say it. even if it isn't to anyone. This'll be just for me.. and this blog.

I guess, I just feel like I do a little too much. I like to treat others how I'd like to be treated. Especially my boyfriend. I spoil him with everything he wants, and what I can afford. He deserves everything I give him. I just want to deserve something. I know he's trying, he just has other priorities and I know I may not be in the top 3.

This feeling.. of heartbreak. How it just ruined my day, and I just wanted to sleep my whole life away. I'm so tired of not being good enough. I want to be sufficient.. and feel it too.

so... this was me plea. Whoever reads this, please pray for my strength, because I do all the time. My Generalized Anxiety Disorder isn't helping either. I need a big dose of dopamine in my system.