damn, last night at alyssa's debut was amazing. I had so much fun with my high school friends aka chodes. Everything just felt right. After so long just being home and doing my own things being with my friends made me feel so loved.

I do not condone drinking. I know I became the biggest hypocrite last night. I drank, what felt like, endless shots. why? I needed to get this feeling of envy out of my system. It was so annoying, because I know it was no harm, its just how people were joking about things about my bf and one of our friends. "when are you guys ending?" "what? are you saying they're dating behind ardia's back?" ugh. I was so frustrated. SO FRUSTRATED.. I felt like crying. like.. he wouldn't listen to my stories, but when it came to her talking about their practicum he was all ears. When I wanted to sit at the head table to watch the modern she wanted to sit next to him but then she realized how awkward she felt and she said it out loud.. "omg this is so awkward! I'm gonna stand over there" "yeah it is awkward" and I had to beg him to stay. I just hate how he agreed with her and would automatically go with her. I was so annoyed, and it hurt that he didn't even see how much it bothered me. When she would say something really funny, he would look at her all loving and shit. They laughed really loud at the same time in the same tempo and volume.

It's just annoying seeing how perfect they look with each other. I can't stop seeing him with her. It breaks my heart just thinking of being without him.

But I drank. I took shots, lots of shots, with all my friends. It started w/ lime and vodka, then I finished that in about 5 minutes, I got cranberry and vodka after. When I drank half of my drink, I took shots of bacardi w/ jan, cat, and pat. my chaser was my cranberry and vodka.. because the lime made it taste like shit. I asked everyone what they drank and took sips, jan's crown and gingerale, arjel's rum and coke, BOTH WERE NASTY. took a shot of crown w/ jan, cat, jayce and pat. took a whole group shot (11 of us) of tequila. chased it down with a lime.. and then coke cause the tequila made me die a little. then I got another vodka and lime. We decided to take another shot w/ the birthday girl, it was supposed to be crown but it was gone after 3 shots were filled, so the rest were vodka. again, I chased it down with coke. I got some water. Then another vodka and lime. drank some of cat's drink, idr what it was though. took a sip of jan's beer. danced a little bit more. I didn't give a fuck that my boyfriend was dancing his ass off. I didn't give a fuck that she was next to him. all my worries went away for that period of time. All I felt was my love for partying, yeah i know.. i bet everyone is thinking "thats how alcoholism starts" or "ardia's the next snooki" like damn, it was just this time because all my friends were there and everything was free. Free alcohol is something to take advantage of.... yeah, if you really knew me.. I think alcoholism is in my blood thats why i've avoided alcohol for so long because I feel like i would get hooked. but anyways, it was hard to eat because after 6 shots we stopped for a while and it gave time for the alcohol to settle and i went from buzzed to tipsy. My vision was blurred and I was a little off balanced.. actually I was crazy off balanced. Benny saw me walk halfway into a chair and laughed at me. then more dancing, and me and arjel got a vodka and lime and then that was my last alcoholic drink of the night.

A slow song went on.. arjel danced with me. I was so happy, I didn't know how to show it. I loved having his arms around me, I just wanted to hold him closer and never let him go... I wanted time to stand still so I could be in his arms forever. I know I was a little tipsy, when I laid my head on his shoulder I feel all loopy and my head was spinning and it felt like I was floating. it felt weird, like "I know I feel like this because I'm drunk.. but I'm happy that I'm the one he's dancing with" none of my negative comments ever invaded my thoughts with i was alcohol-induced. Which seemed like a good thing, but will eventually become a bad thing.

but yeah, drinking is bad. But it made me feel so much better (as an alcoholic would say... ) I'm not depending on it, it was just there at the time and it became my escape from reality. escape from myself. I haven't had this "high" of happiness in a while. I hope things with get better. i'm sure it will get better. Momentai.