Believe.
Friday, June 22, 2012 12:26 AM /
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ugh, I'm not feeling myself lately. getting maaaad anxiety. I hate it. I'm trying not to let it get to me. I need to think positively.
idk, I don't think I want to have a birthday party anymore. there's no point.
ugh. seriously. why now? i don't want this feeling anymore.
CONT' 1:44 AM
Just finished watching snooki and jwoww's new show. it was recapping their moments in js and special character moments. it showed the italy episode where Gionni shows up and snooki runs to the door, she opens it and sees him, I felt her heart burst, and she started crying. they hugged, snooki was still crying. all he said was "did you miss me?" still crying she was nodding yes while still in his arms. You have no idea how many times I've felt like doing that. when I see my boyfriend, I want to burst into tears because I'm so happy. Obviously because we're not allowed to be together, according to his mom.
My boyfriend is amazing. He is everything you can ever ask for, except he takes his priorities seriously. I'm not up there. but he's one of mine. This makes everything so hard. I would do anything just to sit on a couch, cuddle up, and watch a movie, or tv. I don't want any judging minds around. But no matter where I go, there will always be some. Just him is what's keeping me, there are so many things that are pushing me away. I don't know if I'm strong for staying, or weak for not letting go. My heart says to stay, but my mind tells me to go. I'm just tired of being hurt, and sometimes for no reason.
Obviously, I cried like a bitch during that js episode, and when it recapped a few minutes ago, and as I type that previous paragraph. I talked to him during my break, he sounded like he didn't want to talk to me. whatever.
ugh, I'm so stressed right now. I need someone to cuddle up with, to kiss me on the forehead and tell me everything is okay. I can't even tell anyone this right now, because I'll just end up crying like the little bitch i am.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
Save Me From Myself.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012 11:21 PM /
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There are so many things I have yet to say. I hate keeping things inside. But I know that if I don't do anything about something it always leads to regrets.
I don't know what to do.. after that dr.phil episode. ughhhhh. this is so annoying. my head says one thing, but my heart says another.
jesus.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
Determined.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012 4:21 PM /
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I'm excited for my future. I want to do good. I know this is for me, but I need to make my parents proud. I want to give them a reason to be proud. I need to get these straight A's. I will spend every single day studying from now on. I'll work weekends, a few evenings during the weekdays. Thats about it. I need to make sure that I can do this. I want to have good grades, have spending money, and have the time of my life as a student. I got this, at least I hope I do. I need to believe in myself.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
Who Do You Tell.
Monday, June 18, 2012 12:00 AM /
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how do you tell someone that you love them, but I'm just tired of being disappointed. I regretted everything that I said today because I know it hurt. I said everything I felt, but I'm just pissed off at myself because I still feel that way. If there was a way to make him happy forever, I would.
Today is fathers day, well.. its 11:55 and it wont be soon, but it is right now. My father, isn't the greatest father ever. But I know he loves me. He's loved me enough to stay with this family. I know he's done some wrong. I'm still searching my heart so I can forgive him for what he has done to me in my past. But I do love him. I hope that I'll find the forgiveness soon.
My heart needs so much mending. I'm not going to count on anyone anymore. Just me. I need saving from myself, and only I can be my own hero. If that makes any sense.
Been watching the old Dragonball series. its weird, it shows his penis. So many sexual innuendos. No big deal tho. I just chuckle and its something to watch since stupid Bleach wont work on the appletv.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
Extraordinary.
Sunday, June 17, 2012 1:15 AM /
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I've been going straight hater on everyone and everything lately. I'm not usually like this for a huge amount of time. Whatever. But I'll anonymously say random things about people who I want to hate on just not to their face.
1) you need to calm your ass. its been so long already, I'm sick of hearing of your shit.
2) stop it. I'm tired of basking in your glory. obvs everyone loves you more than the next person. just stop it, crack under the pressure, get pregnant by accident and become the disgrace of the family.
3) you're annoying. stop talking to me. no. no. and NO again. shut the fuck up.
4) this is awkward now.. I wish it wasnt but you need to stop changing and figure who the fuck you are.
haters gon' hate. but in this case, I'm just being mean. whatever. these people probably don't deserve it. whatever, i got it off my back, so I dont give a fuck anymore. buhbye.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
Negative.
Friday, June 15, 2012 4:47 PM /
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been around so much negativity in the past few hours. ugh. I need to get awayyyyy.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
The Truth.
Thursday, June 14, 2012 2:12 AM /
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my bf finally got a job. I'm so proud of him. I'm excited for him to start his career. I keep making remarks like "you're gonna pay for me" or "you're gonna buy me this/that" its not because I expect it (maybe a little) but I want the satisfaction of him saying "of course i will". Its just the thought of it makes me happy. He's finally going to be able to buy things for himself (and me :P) with his own hard-earned money. The reason why I spend money on him is because I want to, and he deserves it. He was always like "you didn't have to" or he would get mad at me. I know its because theres a type of guilt he has inside because he knew he couldn't get me anything because he didn't have any money of his own.
But now, he can get me whatever, and be proud of it. There's nothing I really want from him, except food. But, I also want to have time with him. Actually, that's all I want. I want time with him. Money cannot buy time. But he told me that once he got a job, he said he might be able to hang out with me. That "might" is the only thing I hate about that sentence. I've been told that I've been so patient with him, considering how he's not even allowed to hang out with me. I don't want him to be ridiculed anymore, from our friends and my family, and I really hope that it's going to change from now on.
I hate his "I just cant" I bet I would be able to drive by the time he gets the balls to actually drive with me in the car. I will pay for gas, I'll pay whatever he wants. I just want him to be able to see me without someone else in the car. yenno those pictures of couples who hold hands while the bf is driving.. I've always wanted to do that. but all I could think of is his family being in the back seat or something. I'm almost 19, I don't want to be driven around by his family.
I'm in a sour mood now. jesus.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
Unfold.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012 11:30 AM /
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I am happy. Honestly. no matter how much I complain about my life right now, I know that I'm really happy. my life is slowly falling back into place, happiness is here again. I'm probably on this high of happiness because I hung out with my bf yesterday.
I hate being away from him, but the time he's away from me, makes seeing him so much better. Even though I did have a little rant about him taking the time to message someone when we're finally together. at least it got to him. he's learning. not fast... but he is.
idk, my mom was talking to me after we dropped off my cousin and my bf. she said she talked to his mom after he dropped him off. because mom was gonna pick up dad. so his mom was like "where are you going?" and mom said she was going to pick up my dad. Mom said that his mom's face was kinda suspicious. which really pissed me off. like WHAT DOES SHE THINK IS GONNA HAPPEN?! she doesn't know there was 3 other people in the house with me and him. Jesus. I like her and everything, but she needs to give a little bit respect to her child. he's old enough already. He already started a career.
ANYWAYS, enough about my rant of anger. because I AM HAPPY. I will continually say this until it is no longer true.
now for my awkward rant.
things have changed, for sure. I have lots of things to accept about you. You kinda go against everything you used to hate. I'm pretty sure you were denying it though. I wish you would have accepted yourself earlier. I promised you so many things, I will keep it. I promise. It's just gonna take some time for me to get used to the new you. I guess, its just like we're starting over. just take care of yourself.
that wasn't that awkward. It was just hard not to state anyone's name.
I'm just gonna be happy OFF this stupid blog. finish Bleach alreds. um, yeah. bye.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
When It Rains.
Friday, June 8, 2012 10:52 AM /
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so its raining right now, but I think I'm in one of the best moods I've been in lately. Despite the fact that I'm sick. I found out that I passed my class, THANK GOODNESS. Its bitter sweet. I know I studied. I read the text book, made notes, made notes of my notes. But whatever. I have 15 credit hours. I need 15 more to get 30, then transfer to uofm, take stats, and genetics. i'm proud of myself right now, and I couldn't be happier.
So, this is kinda awks. talking to him about yenno. I can't state what it is, but i assure you its just something I need to get used to if I continue to talk to him.
blah blah blah blah. It's all gloomy outside. but my smile couldn't be bigger. woohooooo
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
so sick.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012 11:24 PM /
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i dont know if this is my sickness speaking right now, but I'm really frustrated. I don't know if I can take it anymore. with everything. I'm just tired. I'm tired of being the one who's wrong.
ONE, vocal jazz is the death of me physically and emotionally. Its tearing me apart.
TWO, I await the day where I get the "i'm outside, lets go for a drive" kinda call from my bf. but NO all I get is a "so" when I get mad at him for not wanting to drive, and when our friends make fun of him. I'm so tired.
it's things like this where it makes me wonder if i'm ready to "settle down" so to say. I know I love him. But I want to feel like i'm worth it, I want him to buy me gifts, take me out on dates, drive me around.
speaking of driving, the drive home today sucked balls. his ninang fucking hates me. obviously. shes the reason why his parents think that I'll get pregnant. I said "hi" and it looked like she didn't give a fuck. I might as well have jumped out of the fucking car and bussed home. at least the bus driver would want to drive me.
there's so many things to consider before i act upon my thoughts. I'm just tired of being with his family when i'm with him. I need some alone time with my boyfriend.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥