Finally Falling.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012 10:28 AM /
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just woke up like an hour ago, I hate having these weird random dreams. I should just stop dreaming all together. LOL.
Watching Victorious, I think Robbie has a dissociative identity disorder. How would he have a puppet who is mean to him? obviously he somehow has the power to interpret one of his personalities into that puppet.
I've been pretty mean lately. I guess I'm just tired of being pushed around and I don't want to get hurt anymore. just thought I'd say that out loud for the first time.
I'm bored. thats all. Avan Jogia sings good.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
Song To You.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012 1:11 AM /
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I'm content. I'm satisfied. I don't feel anything really anymore.
It's okay. as long as those thoughts don't stumble upon me.. I should be fine. I need to practice for my event next week. I hope I'll do fine despite the fact that I haven't practiced in like 3 days.
gah. I hate keeping secrets from people who shouldn't know. I've kept this freaking secret for so long. It's almost pushing out of my throat when I talk to everyone. I wanna tell my sister first, but I want to be a good friend.
ugh boring. I guess it's better than being sad. whatever. my thoughts are everywhere.
the end.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
Good Outweigh the Bad.
Saturday, May 26, 2012 1:53 AM /
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I've wanted to blog with this title, but I've always had other things on my mind.
It sucks. Watching my current favorite show, Victorious, and seeing Beck and Jade be "couple-ish" all the time, but I love victorious because of all the songs, and obviously because I have a celeb crush on Avan Jogia. Seeing how Beck looks at jade, or how Beck looked at Tori in the latest episode. The rush of feeling like the person looking back of you may love you then you would ever know.
Anyways, about blogging, not just giving a summary of the last episode of Victorious. I was pissed off today. Because last night he kept tweeting even after he said he was "going to sleep" he did that twice this week, yesterday and I think it was 2 days before that. I know he has things to do, so thats why I let him go and "sleep" but he doesnt sleep. He tweets to my cousin. I'm so tired of feeling this way, he has more time w/ my cousin, and his friend, more than me.
yes. I am still jealous. But what can I do? nothing. Thats what. I just leave it be. That may have also been part of the reason I didn't want him to call me tonight, I didnt want to hear her name. It gets me angry. I know "a good girlfriend isn's jealous" but I am. Call me a bad girlfriend all you want. I'm tired of repeating things. So I just stopped talking about it. I also do not condone drinking, but if I had a bottle of vodka, you bet I'd be chugging it out of jealousy. I hate how he has so much fun with her. he didn't even reply to my pin of the picture of my new kitchen. He just read it. I don't like them together. I don't.
About the title, I was thinking of so many ways he makes me happy, but I also thought about how many nights he's unknowingly made me cry myself to sleep. how many times he leaves me angry and he doesnt do anything about it.. how many times where he doesnt deserve to be with me, but I still stay. I was so broken when I thought I broke up with him for good. I was prepared to give back everything, his shirts, the couple sweater, my CCC sweater, my pillow pet, the bag he got me for our 6th monthaversarey, and his birthday. Everything that reminded me of him. I was going to give it back. I already arranged a friend to pick me up and my stuff and drive me there. I was so broken. Nothing made sense to me. I didn't eat for the whole day and the day before. I'm just tired of feeling so sad.
It was annoying, Today, I was already pissed off that he was going to "her" house. I didn't want anything to do with him. Then I saw him at my work when I walked in. He looked happy to see me. I saw pictures of him this morning on twitter.. all I could think was "my boyfriend has so much swag today" and how jealous I was because my boyfriend wasn't with me, but with "her" and my cousin. But anyways, I saw him at my work.. and he came up to me.. I don't know what came over me, but I let out whatever was left of my anger on him. I tried to make him feel bad. I tried to make him realize why I feel so bad. It seemed to work a little bit. I stopped caring about how he felt for a while. Because my brain can't work when it's emotionally exhausted. I talked to him, his mom and his dad. I asked him in front of his mom to go to my mom's birthday BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY HE DIDNT ASK, she probably said "yes" just because I was there, and she's gonna change everything on him that day, and I'm going to feel shitty, and then I'm going to want to end our relationship because I don't want his mom to get between us anymore. But thats just an assumption. He walked me to the back and gave me a kiss.
I love him. I know I do. those 10 minutes with him made all my worries go away. I hated it. Because I don't want to know that just his presence makes everything better. I don't want to know that his presence is the only thing to make me feel better. I want to be okay without him. I need to love me, it's hard when I'm just a fat blob of life that works retail. I cannot change my needy attitude. I'm happier with him, but I don't want to be. He has goals, ambitions. I don't deserve the pure sadness for numerous days and one day get happy. It doesn't add up. I'm supposed to be happy all the time. There's always something to worry bout with me. I have really bad anxiety, its a problem that I'm trying to work on.
When I'm worried about someone I care about and I cannot do anything about it.. I shake uncontrollably, not continuous, but in random jolts that last about 2-3 seconds. I checked my phone, at 12:58 AM I had 3 missed calls from my best friend, Gyan. I called him back. He was slurring his words, he asked where I was, I asked where he was. He said "I'm out with some friends, but I don't know where I am" I started to freak out, because I didn't know what I could do. I heard yelling. A guy took his phone, started talking to me, I had to ask who it was, it was Kenny. He was my counterpart for YFC before, and the other person was belle. Kenny stated that gyan was a little intoxicated, I know those two could take care of gyan, but I was still really worried. I didn't know what I could do. They assured me he would be fine. I wish I could do more for Gyan. I've been in his position, I've been led on. To think someone really liked you, but all they wanted to do was get in your pants. It hurts. It physically hurts, not just emotionally. But I want to be there for my best friend, I know I'm one of the few people he trusts. I don't want to break that. I hope he's doing well. I love you gy, please be okay.
I don't usually think of myself as a good asset to a friendship. or any type of relationship. I have issues. Stuff that I can't get over. I just want someone to understand, love me for me, and not try to change me. I changed so much from where I was 5 years ago. People who haven't known me for that long, They don't know how much I've changed. I used to be quiet, shy and very bashful. no one would believe that right now.
I wish I could tell you so many things. I wish you could feel how I feel. I want you to know that I love you, I'm so in love with you that nothing ever seems to matter when you're around. I want to know you love me as much as I love you. I love you because nothing ever needs to start at the beginning. You're my beginning, middle and hopefully the end. I appreciate the phone calls every day. Even though you say "phone calls could be enough for some couples." no. we aren't just "some couples" we're us. there is no need to compare to other people. You're so close to me, and it just seems petty to just use the phone. I miss us. I miss being next to you. I miss feeling you against me. Just lying there. I miss hearing your heart beat. I miss the scent of you lingering on my skin after we leave.
What's the point of being in a relationship if we can't even make-out in peace? It's always in secret. which pisses me off. The future might be a little bit too far for me. I'm anticipating the day where we live together, have children and live happily, with our careers supporting us. Everything just seems so far fetched.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
How many times, how many lies.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012 11:41 PM /
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I don't know how long I can feel like this anymore. I can no longer take feeling sad because my boyfriend doesnt want to hang out with me. I gave hints all day about wanting to hang out with him. He just kept changing the subject. I want a straight answer. I want him to want to hang out with me. I don't want to hear about jessica sanchez, and how pretty she sings or that she might win american idol. I want to talk about me. It's been ages since I heard "you're pretty today". no saying "I like you're outfit today" doesn't count, that wasnt about ME it was about what I was wearing. I need someone who's willing to go out of their way to be with me.
The other day, I admit, i was stupid. But I was frustrated, and I wanted him to know, he just kept rubbing in my face that I'm stupid and wrong and everything I never wanted to be. Maybe he's right. Everytime he says "so.. what's going to happen to us?" like its my decision. MY decision if we end up together or not. I only keep saying that because I want him to know how it feels to be me. I'm practically the glue to this relationship. when I want to do something, I have to say it and wait for HIS response. I want it to be the other way around. I'm waiting for the day where I hear "today, we're going to do this, I'll be at your house soon" I want that. I want to be with him because he wants to be with me.
I'm so tired of my mind being so stupid. It cannot get enough of this envy. I can't stop seeing him with her and it's freaking me out. It ruins my mood, but I need to make sure that its not real.
you just left me. left me in the state I clearly was in, and you didnt care. I want you to care about me. I need you to be ready for this kind of commitment. Tell me if you're not. TELL ME. don't leave me guessing. Dont' lie to me that "you're going to sleep" when you tweet 2 hours later that you're going to sleep and you have a post about you i tumblr. just stop it. stop playing games with me.
I need to change this. I NEED TO. my heart has been begging to stop hurting but all I do is say "its going to be okay" then Its not, and my heart cries.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
Ugh.
Saturday, May 19, 2012 3:22 AM /
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I apologized. He just made it worse by keep making things worse. I already had a shitty day. It's still not okay. Told him about my shitty day, how I feel worthless. He keeps telling me not to compare myself, but still. How is it not possible living in his shadow. The fact that he kept going on and on about his fucking day as a health care aide, didnt help at all. He didn't take a hint that I didn't want to talk about it. I still fucking listened.
This wasn't what I wanted. I wanted him to be nice to me. I wanted him to listen, not advise. I need someone who will make me feel better, make me feel pretty, not tell me what I'm doing wrong and say "family members are allowed to call you fat" no. just no. This doesnt make it better. He fell asleep.
"You get mad if I do something, and you get mad if I do the opposite. You're never satisfied" lets talk phone calls. I do not have a limit. he does. when we talk on the phone on saturday to thursday , it starts around 7 and he has to go around 9 or 10. Fridays are usually from 10 to 12, or to 3.
the other day I said I wouldn't be home until 10:30 and we can talk after. He said it was only until 12. Thats when I got pissed. I hate having a limit. I dont need a limit when I want to talk to someone. I just hung up on him at this moment because he fell asleep. EXACTLY at 3. It's not like I wanted him to keep talking anyways, it was making me more depressed. I don't want to hear about how much people love him, how pretty he thinks ariana grande is. I wanted to hear how much he loves me. How pretty he thinks I am.
I didn't get that. I'm still kinda broken from today, from everyday. Every single day is a struggle. Trying to get by, without making myself cry myself to sleep. I'm too broken for this world.
Just checked my phone, he messaged. he did wake up. if he really wanted to say goodnight, he should have called me back. But he didn't. He obviously just said that to try to make me feel better. I have to wake up in 5 hours, I was already asleep by the time he called me and started bitching.
I'm not feeling well. My thoughts are taking over.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
Crazy.
Friday, May 18, 2012 11:35 PM /
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I'm going crazy. This is honestly so annoying. I try not to think like that. I really do. I always need to be with someone to make these things go away.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
Forever21
Thursday, May 17, 2012 11:52 PM /
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I had a good day. This whole day was good. I woke up to "good morning sweet heart. It's going to be beautiful today just like you :)" I guess that's why my day started off good. I always feel like he doesn't miss me when he's having fun with his classmates.
The day slowly got more annoying. he didnt read my pins, he didn't answer his phone when I called him during my break, and I even made him promise the night before. But that didn't bother me as much. I was hungry and I was excited to eat. I wanted to close really fast, but there was so much stuff to do. I was hoping my bf would call even just to say goodnight like he did that one time. But he didn't. I was sad but now I'll know "that one time" will stay just "one." I have a few more weeks to tolerate his "sleeping early, waking up early 4 times a week" I hope things will change. I really need to see him more often.
All-in-all, my day was good. I have so much to be thankful for; food in my fridge, money in my pocket, parents are together, house is stable, I have a job and I'm making money, my family loves me, my boyfriend loves me and I'm slowly starting to love me as much as I should.
so much to be thankful for.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
feel better.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012 7:02 PM /
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I've had a fever for the past 2 days. I'm finally feeling better. I went out for a jog to sweat out the fever. It felt good. for some reason the song "a fever you can't sweat out" came to my mind just now and I think that should have been the title.. but its already written and I'm better. okay cool. time to watch some victorious and play some pokemon and be on the phone with my boyfriend. life is good.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
I Was Brought To My Senses.
12:45 PM /
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so, I'm sitting at home.. alone.. as usual. But I'm practicing for Absolute Zero. Its always so bitter sweet when I see them. Its fun seeing them and everything, but its just annoying that I have to see them because we have to do something.. for free. My time is precious now, I sit at home practicing instead of job hunting because my job at forever 21 is total shit. I get 2 shifts a week, max 3. I used to get scheduled all the time, but these bitches are so annoying. like, what do you really want?
Ugh I've been so uptight about things lately. I feel a strong obligation towards Absolute Zero, because they're my friends and I'd hate to disappoint them. I want to mindlessly play final fantasy until my eyes bleed. I need to relax. BUT I CAN'T even when school's over, my anxiety takes hold. I walk the earth with a heavy heart.
I just watched to 2h glee season finale, so many things made me cry. Puck getting into a fight, losing, and then crying to coach telling saying "do you know how many football games i've had the past three years? do you know how many my mom went to? NONE" "my old man has been absent since i was 10, he kept telling me I was garbage, guess what, HE WAS DAMN RIGHT".. I hate when I see people do that to themselves, it makes me feel so sad. idk, I want to be their friend. I always feel like that, and everyone wants a friend who knows what their going through. Theres also another part where I felt sad, was when Tina got angry because she was always just in the bg, and she was pissed off at rachel berry. I always feel like that with a0. Everytime I get a solo, it always has to be "shared" theres nothing that's ever "my song" except for "a time for love" I was fine with yvanne doing the scatting part, I can't scat for my life. In Glee, Mike said to Tina "that was selfish, you're a junior you'll have your time next year" and that made her have an epiphany and shit. I was still mad. There is no "next year" because no one is leaving. I hate being in the bg, being the underdog. I hate being the one that doesn't have enough unique-ness or talent for my time to shine. I hate being so alone singing my part. Also, in Glee when they're nervous about performing, they made me feel anxious. I hate feeling anxious. I think I need anti-anxiety meds. I'm so tired of feeling this way.
My anxiety ruined my date yesterday. there was so much going on in my mind. I could barely watch the movie. I was practicing all day, and I couldn't get certain parts so I was so frustrated. I was frustrated with everything. I became bitchy towards my bf, and he knew it wasn't just me being me. idk whether is was his ex reference pissed me off or the fact that he said "its gonna make you mad" if he mentioned anything about her. obviously I'd be mad no matter what, I just don't like the fact that he hides stuff from me.
as I was looking through my dashboard on tumblr, i came across a post saying some thing "a good man stays with her no matter what" and "a good woman gets angry all the time, but still stays" am I not a good woman? I had intentions of leaving because I couldn't take being hurt anymore. I've said it like 3 times already. I'm still single on facebook, because I haven't added him back. I feel ashamed. I don't want to feel like that, but i do. I wish it was easier my heart to feel happy. Its like nothing does anymore. am I wrong for wanting to be happy? last night, I missed his call, which was kind of a bitter-sweet thing, because i thought he wasn't going to call me to say goodnight so I left my phone in my room and I went to the living room to eat. I got back into my room, and he called and when he tweeted that "i love you" at the end, I just started crying. I just keep disappointing him. all the time. I dont know that I'll do to myself anymore.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
Maybe.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012 10:15 PM /
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I'm so annoyed right now. I went out w/ my bf to the movies and used a gift card, it was a good movie. idk, I got kinda annoyed by the fact that he kept asking if i wanted anything, and i honestly didnt want anything, but he said "you can get whatever you want, I have money" I honestly didnt care if he had money or not, its just that sometimes I feel that he ALWAYS needs money. I want to just hang out with him. NO ONE else but me and him. no family, no outings, just sitting on the couch watching tv. I'm tired of dressing up just to hang out with him. I think I was annoyed because i hated feeling so dressed up. I hate being annoyed when I'm with him. I don't even know the next time we'd be able to hang out. I'm assuming just on my birthday, which is 2 months away. I don't want to feel so alone anymore. I'm putting up with his last few weeks of school. He says when he makes his own money, he'll be able to hang out with me more. I hope its just us. I'm tired of him thinking "hanging out" means with his family. it's never with my family. I want his family to accept him hanging out with me. we're smart about what we do.
I just don't know what I'd do with myself if things dont change after he gets a job and makes his own money. I'm still with him, because he said "if you want to break up, its okay, we're still gonna be best friends". no. just no. I can't just be friends with him. There are some people where I don't need to start from the beginning, and I like that. I just want him to spend more time with me, just me. I don't care if this is selfish. up until now, this relationship it's been ME coming over to his school and surprising him, going to HIS house to talk, buying HIM things. This relationship needs to reciprocate, not money wise, but work wise. right now i feel like its me 80, him 20. It needs to be 100/100. we need to keep trying to make this work. He'll be working at least 4 times a week i'd like to have one of the 3 days of the week that he'd be free. I've told myself many, many times that I wouldn't plan anything anymore, just so I won't get my hopes up and then have it dropped down in an instant. I am not allowed to run people's lives, but if they let me, I'd be pretty damn good at it.
I would drop almost anything just to be with him. I respect the things he needs to do, but I'm not an ordinary friend to him. I'm his girlfriend. He is the one I see at the end of the isle when I'm walking in my wedding dress. Everything just seems so far. Sacrifice comes with love and commitment. There hasn't been one day where I haven't been faithful, and I would sacrifice anything to be with him. If that isn't love, then I probably don't know what it is.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
Without You.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012 4:19 PM /
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it's been on and off all day, all the tears, sobs, and random outbursts of realization. I don't have a boyfriend anymore. I don't have someone to say "I love you too" after I constantly confess my love for him. I love him so much, you have no idea. I'm just tired of his mom limiting the time I spend with him. I don't want to love him anymore. I constantly get hurt because I want him to fight for me. He tries to, but he can't. I don't want to "ruin his relationship with his family". I'm sorry that they don't like me. I'm just being me, if they can't like me.. maybe someone and their family will. My heart just keeps hurting no matter how hard I try to be happy.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
My Regret.
Monday, May 7, 2012 8:55 PM /
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If he wants to talk to me, he will. But for now, he doesn't love me. He doesn't want to be the one who makes my heart soar. It's either we talk about this in person, or not at all. I'm tired of feeling so hurt all the time. At least I'm not living a lie anymore.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
Heart Insurance.
4:10 AM /
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That wasn't even necessary. I was serious when I said that this is the last time I'd ever ask you to do. I spill my heart out, and this is what I get. "goodnight, I'll call you tomorrow" no. i don't want that. I want our problems to be resolved. I'm tired of this unrequitedness when it comes to my feelings. Sometimes I think fighting with you is pointless, because you're so stubborn. at least I realize that I'm wrong and I feel bad about it all the time. I feel like its ALWAYS my fault.
idk, I love him. but sometimes I don't think love -alone- is enough.
I really wanted to try to smoke today, to be totally honest. I almost took a drag. I was so close. I knew what everyone would think of me if I did. I'd be a disappointment. I heard that smoking makes people relax. I feel like I need it. SO badly. since people aren't an option anymore. no one wants to hang out with me, well no one good-influenced enough to keep me out of trouble.
Trouble is in my blood. I feel like if it happens once, it's going to be a problem. Alcohol is so nasty in my system. But I get happy and talk a lot when I'm drunk. I forget anything that has to do with sadness/depression. I wonder how "relaxed" I'd feel if i took a drag of that joint, or of that peach-flavored cigar. All that temptation was so hard to resist. Everyone was like "c'mon just this once" or "its all in good fun, you're in a good environment" which was true, i knew they cared about me enough to be truthful. but i didnt and honestly regretting it at this moment. But when I look back I'll be proud of myself for saying no.
"no" is easy to say for drugs, but not for anything else. "ardia, can you do this?" "ardia, after you do this, can you please do that?" never a "no" its always an "of course" or a "sure" especially when it comes to people I truly care about. It's so annoying. I keep telling myself I need to learn to say "no" but it just never comes to mind when someone asks me things.
idk, I'm so angry right now. I don't know how to deal with it. Sometimes "those thoughts" hit my mind and I quickly change the thought. it still crosses my mind though, and I get scared. I'm pretty sure I'm hitting depression now. Anxiety is only just a factor. lets just hope this is mild and I can get through this without hitting anything else.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
furious.
Saturday, May 5, 2012 8:21 PM /
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I'm so frustrated with everything right now. I can't even talk to anyone. I'm supposed to call my bf when I got home, its been almost half an hour since I've gotten here. I'm just not ready to speak about it to anyone.
today was a long day. I had to go to absolute zero practice at fucking 10 AM. It was so annoying. We have to learn 3 new songs by wednesday. HOW THE FUCK DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO THAT. I'm not a fucking wizard. I need time. I'm not as musically inclined as everyone else in the fucking group. It was fun being with them, but I don't want to perform anymore. I just can't. Every time I feel like I have the balls to tell them about what I plan to do, I choke because my anxiety gets the best of me. I hate feeling that I disappointed everyone. I'm so angry at myself.
I had work at 2, I finished practicing at 1. Work was okay, for the first part. I was doing pretty well, smiling, upselling and giving proper change. EVERYTIME theres a section that's trashed, I get put into there because i clean up pretty well. on saturdays i usually get out around 6:30-6:45. I was determined to get out by 7. I didn't. I was off at 7:45. WHY? because my job SUCKS ASS. They give me 3 of the worst sections, with people who just talk forever. I just wanted to get out. My parents had somewhere to be, and now they're late. They could have easily left me stranded. I'm so sick of everything. I just wanna go bury myself in a hole and die in it sometimes.
CONT. (2h later)
it's annoying, I finally tell my bf about how I feel, and he thinks I'm just over-reacting. He doesn't know how it feels like to be the shadow of peers. He's always shone in his darkest moments. I'm just getting dimmer and dimmer each day. I hate this. He doesn't even believe in me, I need someone to. Someone to take my side. He just tells me to stop crying. I want him to tell me everything will be okay. I want to be told that I'm strong enough to get this. I'm so tired of bottling up my feelings. I need someone to snap me out of this funk.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
Tell me a lie.
Friday, May 4, 2012 6:56 PM /
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Last night I was pretty rough on myself. I just couldn't take it. I just kept putting myself down, then I started crying. I always seem to do that when I'm alone. I always cry. I feel like I'll just drown in my tears. I just wanna know that I'm worth it, and I am strong enough to endure this. Ugh, my heart hurts all the time.
so annoying. I hate doing things and it always ends up unnoticed. I feel so insufficient all the time. I need someone to tell me that they're proud of me.
I cried last night, thinking that he forgot about me. But then he called to say goodnight. It made me feel better, just a little bit. Good thing I finished crying before he called. Or he would know somethings wrong. But if he knew me as much as I wish he did, he would know when I feel something. But if he could read my thoughts, he wouldn't enjoy the scenes that replay over and over.
It always seems to be about "me", but if you really knew me, it's not. In real life, its always about "everyone over me"
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥
Footloose.
Thursday, May 3, 2012 11:24 PM /
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watched the dmci musical tonight. It was really good, but I honestly feel so out of it lately. I felt like crying every time they spoke of loss. I just want to feel better.. somehow. I hate feeling like this and not being able to tell anyone.
I get so lonely, and when I'm finally with someone it makes me feel better. But when I'm with my boyfriend, I realized that I get so irritated when I don't have his attention. I miss his cuddles with me. I really need it. I feel so anxious all the time, I just need a moment with him. I need to relax. I don't want to depend on him as much as I do. I need to know that I'd be okay without him. I need him.. all the time. But he can't be there for me, and I know that.
I always want to run into someones arms and cry lately. But I need to stay strong. I need to make the most of this.
ugh... I can't take this anymore.. I can't even read the screen with all the tears blocking my vision. It's so hard to ask someone for their assistance, when no one's around.
Peace,Love & Harmony,
arjaaah♥