So, I just downloaded the Kaleidoscope Heart Album by Sara Barellies. I'm in love with it, just thought I'd start off on a lighter note.
The other day in vocal jazz, we were talking about the song "Gravity" and the musical/emotional aspects of the song. the height of the song is in the bridge, but for everyone, there was a different part that gave them a strong emotion. I chose "I never wanted anything so much but to drown in your love and not feel your rain" I'm pretty good at explaining how I feel, because I don't hold it in for very long. Why have a chose that line? well next to "you loved me cause I'm fragile, when I thought that I was strong" that was the one that hit me the most. I wanted to be different because I knew that I needed my own opinion. But ANYWAYS, so.. my explanation of the line I chose was that.. Its just the kind of thing where you know that the journey towards your goal may be so far away, and it may not even be possible. But you just want it so much that it doesn't even matter how hard it is. Love is a drug, a highly addictive one.
Love Drunk; I know that I can say that I've been there, still kinda there. Yenno the results in being drunk? the Hangover. the most painful thing in the world when its happening. So, the boyfriend and me are almost 5 months. yeah, its not that long. The beginning is always the hardest. We're settling our differences still. Our quirks are getting to each other. I love him for who he is, and I totally mean that. I still get goosebumps every time I tell him that I love him. I've just been feeling so far away from him. I love the way he says "baby" when he greets me, I love the way he mimics the facial expression I give him. I love how he's part of my routine and I'm part of his. Ever since we've started dating, before our monthaversarey, something had gone wrong and we've gotten into a fight. We've almost broke up like every month. I feel stupid, because I beg him not to leave me. I know it shows that I'm the weakest in the relationship.. but if I don't show that I'm willing to fight for "us" who will? So we've never even been on a break, because I know how much I'll miss him. I miss him all the time, I just say it too often which makes me seem needy. In my opinion, I'm just letting him know. He laughs at what I say, but I mean it all the time.
So, there was this Hannah Montana Episode where she had feelings for two guys and she knew she needed to chose one. I saw this as a quote "if you're in love with two people, chose the second one, because if you really loved the first person you wouldn't have fallen for the second one" I get this quote, but I see it in different perspectives. Firstly, i get that if your feelings were true then loving someone else is totally wrong. secondly, it takes time for something to happen. maybe you need to see how your life is without the person for them to actually miss them. So I was watching it during lunch w/ the boyfriend and he was just stating his opinion, he thought it was impossible for someone to like more then one person at the simultaneously. I contradicted what he just said and that i liked "so and so" at the same time. But then he added that the person they settle for is just the rebound. or something along those lines, I'm just paraphrasing right now. But I looked at him, with sad eyes. I don't think he saw but I felt crushed. I know that he feels that he's not good enough for me sometimes. I know I may seem not worthy of him to him. But I feel the exact same way. I just don't know how to prove that I do. I just feel it, and there's no questions asked. I didn't just settle for him, I chose him. He chose me. So he feels insecure when I talk about people who I used to have something with. well me too. I don't want to feel like this, but when he told me the story about the first girl he's fell for, and he only broke up with her because she moved. I feel insecure because if she came back.. what would I be? would I still have his heart? am I the one he settles for? my heart aches for all these answers.
Clearly, I have no ones to talk to about these kind of things. I just need to let it out. My online journal, which I'm pretty sure no one reads. Which is exactly why I do it here. But sometimes, I with somehow What I say can get to him. I don't know what to do right now. maybe I should sleep. I have school in about 9h. I really don't want to be sad anymore. Help me.